His Blue Eyed Problem
by Doctor Zosfmov
Summary: The war has ended; everyone can carry on with their lives again, can’t they? Sirius is finding it hard to distinguish his need for alcohol and for Remus, and Remus is finding it hard to decide where his loyalties lie- with Sirius or Harry. FINISHED
1. Flash Memory, Bottles and Tricks

**Plot: **The war has ended; everyone can carry on with their lives again, can't they? Sirius is finding it hard to distinguish his need for alcohol and for Remus, and Remus is finding it hard to decide where his loyalties lie- with Sirius or Harry. RL/SB, RL/HP

**Disclaimer: **Don't own it. Ms Rowling is free to keep her heterosexual little girls and boys. The musical gods' song lyrics also do not belong to me.

**Warning: **Slash, if you're underage and like to protest then please scamper away. 

**Thanks: **To my darling beta, UnderLucius. Please read something of hers, you won't regret it. 

"Stay by my side. And the pipe dream is yours now. Stay by my side. And the cynics won't get in our way. Don't you know you've got your Daddy's eyes. And your Daddy was an alcoholic. But your mother kept it all inside. Threw it all away. I was looking for another chance. To see your blue eyed problem." 

**Alcoholic, **Starsailor.

**H**e entered the room with a weary sigh, distractedly throwing the keys on the table by the door and staring upwards. 

Massaging a crick in his neck, Remus Lupin shouted up the stairs, "Sirius, I'm home." 

There wasn't the usual shuffle of noise in reply then the thunderous sound as the energetic thirty-something bounded downstairs to give his friend the customary hug in greeting. 

"Padfoot, you there?"

The werewolf frowned, quickly going from room to room in search of his errant housemate. Grimmauld Place was a large building; it took a good five minutes for him to check every single room. 

By the end of it he was exhausted and flopped down in front of the fire in the kitchen. Lupin sighed again, and called into the fire. A moment later a head popped up. 

"I'm sorry to be inconvenient, but it appears that I'm not in the room at the moment." It was Dumbledore's answering fire. An ingenious device that the eccentric wizard had created based on the idea of a muggle answering machine. But taken to a different level. 

"If you'd like to leave a message, then it will be sent straight to me. In the mean time, please, take a sweet. Lemon sherbet; I'm sorry Severus, but I ran out of humbugs." 

The Dumbledore smiled as he held out the bowl and Remus grudgingly took one to not offend the headmaster. Then he pulled out a notepad and watched with rapt attention. 

"Could you tell Dumbledore that Sirius has gone missing again? I'll check all the local bars, just- oh, never mind. I'll look for him; don't worry. I'm sure he'll turn up in some ditch somewhere." 

Remus nodded at the answering fire before scrambling to his feet and making his way back to the front door. He tore his robes off and slipped a coat over his muggle clothing. 

He always wore at least a shirt and a pair of trousers underneath his robes. You could never be too sure when you might need to hide your wizarding identity. 

The werewolf was just reaching for the doorknob when he heard a familiar voice and Minerva McGonagall rushed down the hallway at him. "Remus- thank Merlin you're here- it's Sirius!" 

Remus spun around, grasping his former teacher by the forearm in his panic. "Where is he?" 

"At Hogwarts." 

"But that's not possible- you can't Apparate into Hogwarts; there's hundreds of years worth of anti-Apparation wards around it." 

McGonagall smiled. "So Miss Granger tells me," she murmured, nearly finding amusement in the likeness between her former and present students. "Black managed to get into Hogwarts via the Floo Network." 

"No," Remus groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "The Ministry?" 

She nodded slowly. 

Ever since the demise of Lord Voldemort, the Ministry had deemed it necessary for every single public building to have full Floo access. Hogwarts could not longer hold the barriers up that prevented any entry. 

As it was before, travel through Floo could only happen at times especially appointed by Dumbledore himself or inter-Hogwarts. 

"Come on, Lupin. We need your help. He's completely"-

"Drunk. I'd guess as much," Remus sighed, checking that his wand was in his pocket then dashed with Minerva towards the fireplace. 

_~_

"Damn Black," Snape growled, his robes billowing out around him as he exited the room. The drunken wizard had skills at Apparating (despite being inebriated) that could have rivalled Merlin's. 

Plus, he had a brilliant mental library of offensive spells. Many of them of his own design such as the one that Snape was currently nursing. It left him with the bushy tail and ears of a fox as well as a voice well beyond any normal man's range. 

So his growl was not _too _intimidating as he glared at a student who had dared to giggle at him. 

Falsetto Fox, Black had gleefully named it as he cursed the unfortunate Snape. 

He rounded a corner and bumped into a slightly stooped figure. "Lupin," he managed, struggling to keep his voice in a more respectable tenor. 

The lycanthrope looked up as if startled, and for an instant a flash of a smile dashed over his tired features. "Falsetto Fox." 

Snape nodded, realising that silence would be more dignified than sounding like a twisted mixture of a choirboy and one of the Beach Boys. 

"Merlin, Sirius must be drunk if he can still remember that one." Lupin nodded curtly before dashing off in the direction that Snape had come from. 

Grimacing inwardly, the Potions Master realised that he would have to tell Remus where exactly Black was. "He's in the Gryffindor Common Room!" 

There was a loud burst of giggling from behind a tapestry and Snape spun around glaring, Remus' footsteps echoing as the werewolf ran in the direction of the common room. 

He thrashed his wand in the air and the sheepish students appeared. They didn't need to hear Snape to know that they had detention and an indefinite amount of house points knocked off. 

_~_

When Remus reached the portrait of the Fat Lady, he saw that he was not alone. Nearly fifty agitated Gryffindor students surrounded Dumbledore. The headmaster was patiently explaining the situation in as few words as he could. 

When he saw Lupin he threw his hands up with a worried smile. "I wondered when you'd make it." 

"Is Sirius in there?" 

"Alone with Harry, Hermoine and Ron. He's managed to lock them in there. He won't let anyone in. They stunned him once but he managed to recover too quickly for them too escape." 

Remus swore under his breath, flashing a quick smile at a worried student who had heard his mumblings. He made his way to the portrait, leaning his head against it. "Sirius?" he called in. 

He heard a strange noise then there was the sound of running. "Moony?" came the mumbled reply.

"Do you want to let me in, Padfoot?" 

"Not really," his voice was sulky now. 

"Sirius Indus Black, let me in now." Remus made his voice steely hard and the students surrounding him murmured. They had never heard the werewolf sound so strict from what they remembered of him. 

"Okay," was the whispered response. 

The Fat Lady gave a little shriek as she felt herself being pushed forward. Remus slipped in and the portrait door shut firmly behind him. 

He met the watery blue eyes of Sirius Black with a hard scowl. "You bleeding idiot," he hissed. 

"Oh, Moony, don't be mad with me. You know I hate to see you frowning," Sirius staggered forward with a lopsided smile. 

"You're drunk out of your mind," Remus hissed back, forcing himself not to respond to Sirius' endearments. 

"It makes you look _ugly_- like Snape. And you're much prettier than Snape"- 

"Now unlock the door and we'll get you a horrible potion that'll sober you up"-

"I mean, you're gorgeousMoony; truly _gorgeous_. You shouldn't frown like that. It was probably why you never got a date at school. You were always frowning!" 

Remus knew that this wasn't working. He made his way past the drunken Black and crouched in front of the sofa that the three children were seated on. 

Harry was pale, Ron looked slightly ill and Hermione as though she was about to burst into tears. "Hey," Lupin whispered, taking the witch's hand and squeezing it. "Are you all okay?" 

Harry sat in silence and Ron leant forward to assess the current state of his friends. "We're okay, Sirius is just scaring everyone. He ran in here and"- 

"Oh, Ron," Sirius exclaimed loudly, throwing his hands down and flopping onto a sofa with a cry. "You're giving the game away." He lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. 

"Remus can't find out. He'll tell me off, then! And we all know how scary Mr Big Bad Wolf is…" Black giggled, winking at Hermione who promptly burst into tears. 

"Padfoot, I'm in the bloody room," Remus growled, trying to control his temper, but finding it rather lacking. 

Sirius giggled again, covering his mouth with one hand. "So you are, Moony. How nice of you to join our little _soiree_. Will you be staying long"-

"I'm sorry, Sirius. _Stupefy_." 

He couldn't stand the stifled sobs of Hermione echoing in his ear, or the stony silence of Harry who stared in horror at the man who was apparently his guardian, or even the defensiveness of Ron. 

Sirius' head lolled as his body relaxed against the chair. His eyes drooped closed all though there was still an inane grin on his handsome face. "All of you, I'm sorry that you had to witness that. You truly shouldn't have. I was meant to be keeping him at home." 

Ron nodded stiffly, gathering Hermione in his arms. "Come on Herm', we'll go upstairs. Harry, you coming?" 

The Boy-Who-Lived just stared ahead, shaking his head slowly. 

The Weasley boy shrugged his shoulders and quickly left the room. 

There was a burst of light and the portrait door swung open. Dumbledore stepped into the common room, instantly looking from Lupin to Harry, quickly assessing the situation. "Who did it?" 

Remus raised one hand. "Guilty." He swallowed deeply, feeling his cheeks colour slightly with shame. "I'm sorry Albus. I'll take him back home now." 

The Headmaster placed his hands on the werewolf's chest, stopping him from getting to Sirius. "Perhaps you both need a break from Grimmauld Place." 

"We could go somewhere else for the week… Sirius might like to have a change of scenery." Remus perched on the edge of the chair, gently combing his fingers through the black curls that covered his friend's head. 

Dumbledore nodded, now turning to Harry. "Harry, would you like to go with them?" 

It was a couple of days before the end of the summer term and already there was a buzz of excitement around the sixth year's as they looked forward to their final year at Hogwarts.

Harry slowly blinked, looking from Sirius' prone figure to the exhausted look on his former Professor. "I don't think so," he said, drawing out the words. "You have enough on your plate already, Remus. I wouldn't want to intrude." 

The lycanthrope smiled sadly. "It wouldn't be intruding, please come and visit us sometime. But maybe it'd be better if you came when Sirius was over his… _rough_ _patch_." 

Harry bobbed his head in consent. "I'll write to you, Professor. Will you write back?" 

Remus felt a knot forming in his throat at the sudden likeness between the son and the father's voice. He remembered a similar proposition during the first winter break. 

"I will." 

_~_

_Professor Lupin, _

_I hope this gets to you. Hedwig's not allowed out of her cage while I'm at the Dursleys and so I'm sending this by muggle mail. Dumbledore gave me your address.  _

_I hope you're okay. The Full Moon was yesterday- I've put all of them on my calendar so that I'll know when you'll be feeling a bit unwell. _

_I bet Padfoot spent the night with you. At least I hope so. Snuffles' isn't too ill is he? There must be something that the healers can do to make sure he's better. That day in Hogwarts was really scary. _

_Give my love to him. _

_Harry. _

Remus brushed his sleeve over his eyes as he stared at the parchment bleary-eyed. Normally some form of correspondence from Harry would have overjoyed him. 

But at the moment he felt he couldn't feel very happy. 

Sirius had managed to escape the wards last night and had disappeared into the shadows, no doubt on his way to the nearest pub. He would return in the morning in a foul temper. 

It had happened a couple of times already. 

Remus tried so hard to keep up all night, trying to prevent Sirius from leaving the house, trying to keep him away from any alcohol. But it was so hard. As Harry had said, the Full Moon was only yesterday. He was so tired. 

Moony had spent the night alone. 

Padfoot had gone with a slightly remorseful glance in the direction of the cellar, drowning what must be the whole world's sorrow in his glass. 

Moony had been even more violent than normal. Remus was still nursing a rather painful gash on his temple if evidence was needed. 

There was loud banging at the door and the werewolf hissed as the loud noise assaulted his sensitive ears. Trying to command his weak legs, he went into the living room. 

"Good morning," he managed bitterly, shutting the door behind Sirius as the man staggered in. "How are you this fine_ day_?" 

"Well, if it isn't everyone's favourite werewolf!" there was no venom in his voice. Thankfully, otherwise he would have probably found a weak punch aimed in his direction. 

His words were still slurred and Remus could smell the vile stench of alcohol on his breath. He was still drunk. Great, Lupin thought sarcastically. Sirius when drunk was either happy like he had been at Hogwarts, or suicidally depressed. 

Today seemed to be the former. 

Remus sniffed at Sirius' appearance. The wizard was dressed in tatty muggle clothing. Jean knees muddy from drunken stumbling, jumper elbows raggedy from leaning on bars. 

His hair was unkempt, hanging around his neck in messy curls. There was a five o'clock shadow around his chin and throat and an almost manic glaze in his eyes. 

"Come on Sirius, you'd better get to bed," Remus murmured, grasping his friend by the shoulder and tugging him in the direction of the cottage's bedroom. 

"Only if you join me, Remus m'dear," Sirius drawled.

"No thanks, Padfoot. At the moment I'd be more likely to sleep with Snape than you." Remus had switched onto autopilot. It hardly required all his thought processes to reply to Sirius when he was in moods like this. It happened _that _often. 

"Bastard," Sirius suddenly growled, barrelling Remus into the wall. 

"You better not be sleeping with that scum." His voice was low and menacing. 

Remus wriggled, trying to get away from the stronger wizard. Sirius pinned him against the wall with his hips, crushing his thighs against the werewolf's. "Lupin?" 

"What?" he gasped, struggling for oxygen as the wind was knocked out of him by the sudden movement. 

"Are you _shagging _SNAPE?" 

"No-Of course not! I didn't even know he was that way inclined!" Remus cried, twisted his head to the side to avoid Sirius' breath. 

"Of course he is!" Sirius bellowed drunkenly. "He was always shagging bleedin' Malfoy!" 

A distracted look came into Sirius' eyes and Remus tried to lever himself away, slipping downwards. 

A knee hoisted him up once more and the werewolf's head slammed back into the wall with a sharp thud. "_Shit_!" he swore as he felt the tender skin start to bleed. 

Sirius smiled slyly, one hand slipping underneath Remus' dressing gown to graze roughly down the inside of his thigh. "Mornin' Moony," he murmured huskily, slowly rubbing himself against the smaller man at the same time. 

Remus felt himself colouring with shame as he felt Sirius' evident arousal. "Please," he whispered as fingers crept higher and higher up the inside of his thigh. 

Dry lips tore at his with feverish passion. He gagged on the tongue that rent them open. Yet he withstood the actions with a sort of numb detachment, forcing himself to pay no attention. 

He gave a yelp though as Sirius reached his groin with his rough fingers. 

_This was enough. He wouldn't stand this. _

Mustering all the strength that he possessed after the transformation, he shoved Sirius away, kicking him between the legs for good measure and dashed into the kitchen. 

Sirius got up, licking his lips lustfully and eyeing Remus as he stood in naught but his dressing gown, which was already hanging, open. 

Flushing, the lycanthrope tied it around his slim waist. "Stay the _fuck _away from me, Black!" he cried, his voice breaking as he spoke. 

"Okay, Moony, no need to get all aggressive on me." Sirius laughed as if the very idea was preposterous. 

In three quick strides Remus strode across the distance between them, all previous weakness forgotten as adrenaline thrummed through his veins. He landed one square blow on Black and was aiming another when his arm was caught in a steely grip. 

Sirius twisted the situation and he now had the upper hand. He didn't retaliate; he kissed Remus fiercely. Hands, rough, seeking whatever contact with bare skin they could make. 

He fell to the floor a couple of seconds later under a Stupefying Spell. 

Remus collapsed onto a chair, crushing Harry's letter as he sat. He suddenly didn't have the strength to remove it though. 

His hands dropped into his lap and he instantly removed them. It had been many a year since he had half-willingly allowed someone to touch him in such an intimate way. 

He always knew secretly that he did not have any major preferences between the sexes, however he had lost his virginity to a girl. He had been fifteen, she eighteen. 

He had hated it. That was probably why he had never sought similar comfort in the fairer sex. It had been messy, quick and none of the stuff that he had been told of. The media portrayed sex in a way that made it seem amazing. 

Empowering ecstasies; _fun_. 

Sirius he had kissed before. Strangely enough the situation had been reversed. Remus had been depressed on the eve of the anniversary of his parent's death and had turned to the bottle for help. 

He found none of the answers in the harsh liquid. Only something that altered his reality and reactions. He had ended up snogging Sirius against the windowpanes of the common room while most of Gryffindor watched in amusement. 

The last kiss had been a dare. It was the final night of Hogwarts and all of the year were gathered on the floor of the common room in a large circle. He was dared to 'osculate' with James for a full five minutes. 

… _"Come on Mr Heterosexual, afraid to show us how much of a man you are?" Sirius called mockingly from where he sat, half-draped over a pretty brunette. _

_"I know that Remus would just _love _to snog the living daylights out of you"- the boy continued much to the embarrassment of his friend. _

_"I think you're severely mistaken there, Padfoot. That's your job- occupying Remus' rampant sex drive!" James countered with a high laugh. _

_"Fuck," the werewolf muttered to no one in general and the whole group laughed at him. Lily leant over to squeeze his shoulder. _

_"Rem', I don't mind. Feel free to grope James. You might teach him a lesson or two!" _

_The girls started laughing while the boys watched James' cheeks gradually grow pinker and pinker. _

_And so it was that a couple of minutes later, James and Remus found themselves shoved into a toilet cubicle in the boys washroom. _

_Everyone was gathered outside so that they could hear properly while Peter was scrambling for a foothold on the slippery toilet seat so that he peek over the walls. _

_James shrugged his shoulders, pulling his wand out. Remus watched mesmerized as purple writing flew out in a sparkling font. _

Do you want to? If not, we could just make some noises to fool them. 

_Remus shrugged his shoulders and James just smiled goofily before wrapping his arms around his friend's hips and then leaning in. _

_Their lips brushed hesitantly at first. Remus pulled away, he didn't like the memories that were beginning to circle in his head. This was different though, he told himself. _

_This was _nice_. He smiled bashfully and they kissed again. This time with more vigour. _

_Remus opened one eye to peek at his friend. James' eyelashes were fluttering and there was a relaxed look on his clear features. _

_He heard a muffled shriek. And the boy's smiled against each other's lips before continuing to kiss. Remus enjoyed the way that he could feel the wiry muscles of James' stomach beneath the thin material of his pyjamas. _

_One hand slipped underneath the tatty t-shirt Remus wore for bed and stroked up and down his back. James frowned as his fingers ran over the bumps of old scars. _

_With a growl Lupin swotted the hand away and pushed James possessively against the wall. "Leave it," he murmured, tearing his lips away. _

_"Okay," James replied in a faint whisper. _

_The spell was broken. _

_"How long has it been, Padfoot?" _

_"Sirius wouldn't know if the watch had been stapled to his forehead," came the high voice of Lily Evans. "He's running his own competition. Its called 'How Long Can I Kiss without Breathing'. At the moment he's set a new world record." _

_The two boys laughed and Remus leant forward to rest his forehead against that of his friend. "We okay?" he asked hesitantly. _

_James smiled gently, brushing an errant lock of hair away from Remus' face. "Of course we are." …_

Remus gently tucked the covers around Sirius' comatose form with motherly attention. He fetched a damp cloth, wiping a patch of dirt away from his face. 

"Oh dear Sirius, what am I going to do with you?" he asked aloud. "I'm a werewolf. I'm the one that needs all the attention. You promised me that you'd always look after me- even if it was against my will.

Sirius what happened?" 

But he knew the answer. Azkaban had happened. Voldemort had happened. The end of the war had come and they had both survived it with hardly an after-effect. 

Physically, that was. Mentally, Sirius suffered from some kind of survivor's guilt. To drown this pain, he turned to alcoholism, trying to engulf his problems. It worked to some extent. 

There would be days, days that Remus would almost be relieved that Sirius was slightly drunk. It meant that the man would forget his problems, or at least be pushed aside, and then it would be like it was before. 

He had his playful childhood friend back at his side. On those days they would spend hours in each other's company, relaxing in the brutal beauty of the Scottish Highlands. 

But then there were the _dark days_. He was moody, unsociable and would not tolerate any form of contact. Remus hated those more than most things. He hated Voldemort for causing the nightmares and he hated Azkaban for the memories. 

Remus felt Sirius' strange condition having an adverse effect on him. It caused great lethargy whenever Sirius was in his dark moments, yet great happiness and energy in the other. 

He did not like Sirius groping him in such a manner. Although he knew he was not averse to the affections of the same sex; he did not want it from his friend. 

Sirius was strongly heterosexual and would never admit otherwise. It just seemed that he wished contact or even sex, and it did not matter the sex of the person. Just that he got it. 

"Would me sleeping with you make it any better?" 

Sirius had never been attracted to Remus. He probably never would be. But at the moment it seemed that he did need _someone_. 

The werewolf sighed. Either way he was buggered. He slipped underneath the sheets and folded his arms around Sirius' body. If the wizard chose to take advantage of the situation then Remus wasn't sure whether he would stop him. 

_~_

….If reviewing wouldn't be too much to ask?


	2. An Offer You Want Or Not?

_"Smoke curls through my hands. These one night stands. Are making me crazy. I know. Morning I'll go. Crowds in the rain all passing by. Faith gone from your eyes Each word it flies. Taking you further away. And come that day. There ain't no easy way to cry. And as I watch you leave I stand. Inside my house of straw. And everywhere I go I find. Things recollecting to my mind. How right it could be." _

**Easy way to cry**, David Gray. 

**"A**nd what is this meant to mean?" a morning-husky voice asked. 

Although it wasn't morning. It was the dead of night. 

"Whatever you want it to mean. Take it or leave it." 

There was a snort of derision. "_Whore_," Sirius hissed. "Get out of my bed and go sleep in your room." 

He couldn't see very well, but it was easy enough to see the looming shadow that stood over him. Remus folded his arms around his body and stiffly left the chamber, fleeing into the silence of the living room. 

"When I want you, _Lupin_, I'll tell you. If ever," Sirius spat, his dark head illuminated by the stream of moonlight through the window and onto the door. 

"Really?" the werewolf asked back quickly. "Funny, I don't recollect you asking earlier when you pushed yourself onto me. _Black_." 

"Don't act all noble, I know you Remus. I know what you're like." Sirius' smile was coy now, disturbing in its slyness as he crept out the room. 

At sometime he had changed and now just dressed in his boxers and a plain t-shirt. The wizard had always been thin as a boy, broad-shouldered but snake hipped. As he walked, muscles rippled. 

"You'll never be more than a beast. Reliant on desire and anger. Come on then Remus, if you're so desperate. Try me." 

Remus clenched his teeth together, balling his fists. He knew that Sirius was goading him. He was always obnoxious like this during his mood swings. It took a lot to prevent himself from punching the other man. 

"Come on Remus, do what you want with me. I'm yours for the night. Just yours." 

His voice was velvety soft, driving Remus to distraction. The Wolf inside stirred anxiously; it was a sexual creature and this was too much of an opportunity to miss. 

As if in slow motion, Remus watched through the darkness as his friend pulled the shirt away from his muscular torso. It was like some sick sort of striptease. 

"Now who's the whore?" Sirius mused aloud, his voice thick with desire. His breaths came in shallow pants. 

"You are, Padfoot. You always where," he replied lightly, trying to keep his tone light although a hint of envy crept in. 

"Still jealous aren't we?" Sirius laughed, balancing his hands on his hips. "Jealous that I was the one that always got attention at school. Still bitter?" 

"Fuck off," came the ever-eloquent reply. Remus dashed into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. He could hear Sirius' breathing through the wood. 

Hurriedly he changed and within a couple of minutes the door swung open. "Aw, you're such a _killjoy, _Moony. I thought we'd have a little fun together." 

"Have a little fun on your own," Lupin cast a scornful glare down at the bulge in Sirius' boxers. "I'm going. You can drink yourself into oblivion now. Good riddance." 

"But where are you going to go?" 

The voice stopped him in his tracks as he made his way outside. Slowly he turned around, an expression of loathing on his night-darkened features. "Anywhere, away from you." 

There was a crack in the cool night air and he was gone. Sirius shrugged and stumbled back to bed, pausing to clutch a bottle of beer from the fridge. 

_~_

_My profuse thanks to my reviewers, you know who you are, my darlings…  _


	3. Your Bloodied Lips on My Parchment

"Don't you think that I'm bound to react now? My fingers are starting to turn black now. Maybe I'll put love on the ice. And teach myself, maybe that'll be nice." 

**Black Math,**the White Stripes

**T**he sharp rat-a-tat on his window was all he needed to wake him up. An owl beak was thrust through the small gap he could make without the whole windowpane creaking. 

Harry swore that the Dursleys deliberately made the hinge creaky so that they would hear any further attempts to escape. He frowned at the bird that shot into his room. 

He didn't recognise it. It was a tiny elf owl, much like the one that Ron owned. Just a small ball of brown fluff with piercing yellow eyes. 

Those _eyes_. He recognised them from somewhere. Then it clicked. 

Remus Lupin. 

His former Professor usually stayed at Grimmauld Place so borrowed one of Sirius' owls- huge creatures that dwarfed Hedwig in sheer presence. Why wasn't Lupin doing that? 

He knew that the pair were still in the cottage they were borrowing from Dumbledore, so that they could try to rehabilitate Sirius. But Harry didn't know Remus had an owl. 

_Dear Harry, _

_I hope Lupus _– at this Harry gave a smothered snort of laughter when he looked at the 'Wolf' owl – _got to you all right. He's a bit old, so you'll have to excuse his slowness. Anyway, I'm getting off the point. _

_Sirius doesn't seem to be making much of a recovery- he doesn't seem to even want to. So I left him. Don't think me a coward, Harry, because I would do anything if it meant I got the old Padfoot back. _

_This isn't the sort of thing that a healer can change. There isn't a potion that will suddenly reverse all the turmoil in his mind. It has to be done by _him. _Only through perseverance and self-strength can be overcome this. _

_I do not think I can help him. _

_If you wouldn't mind; I'd like to see you sometime, so that we could have a chat like we used to. I've enclosed a portkey to my house –excuse my presumptuousness- if you want to come that is. _

_R. Lupin. _

Harry gathered his things excitedly, stuffing all of his belongings into a scruffy bag. He hoped Remus wouldn't mind _his _presumptuousness.__

_~_

**R**emus stirred himself slowly from his position in his bed. His pale body was splayed between the sheets in no order at all, proof of the last night's activities. 

With aching muscles he pulled on a robe and staggered into the adjoining bathroom. After a couple of seconds the light flickered on, illuminating the dirty state of the room. 

The bathroom had not been inhabited for several years- the rule applied to the whole house- and there was mould gathering on the pink tiles and the sink had bits chipped out of it. 

He studied his appearance in the mirror. Lips darkened by bruising kisses; neck, pale, with a hand imprint on the soft skin; body, scratched and sore. 

Lupin irritably scraped his fingers through his hair, wincing at the overwhelming amount of grey in it. Soon he would be entirely grey. He gave a bitter laugh then winced as a cut on his lip reopened. 

He didn't know why he had submitted himself so willingly last night. Maybe it was a sense of guilt. It certainly wasn't attraction or lust. He prided himself on never fancying his best friend. 

Sirius was right; he wasn't much better than one of the painted girls, hanging about street corners, their pale faces illuminated by the harsh light. With every thrust or nip he was reminded so. 

"_Slut. Whore. Harlot." _

If he forgot enough, he could almost find relief in the terms. He couldn't explain it, but it made it feel so much better. 

In hindsight, the few times that Remus had had sex with someone, it had been a very passionate affair. 

At Hogwarts he had spent a couple of months as the 'Slytherin Hussy', sleeping with Lucius Malfoy. Sleeping with Lucius was equally messy as it had been with the girl. 

They both challenged each other, seeing how much pain the other could stand without yielding. Sexually, Lupin would never be so experimental. Bondage, domination, masochism. 

Lucius could have his moments of extreme tenderness. But Remus had never experienced it- that was saved for the girls. And for him, the pureblood saved all the passion and anger. 

With Lucius it was just _sex. _

Even after he had discovered Lupin's "dirty secret" he still organised the weekly meetings in one of the potions dungeon. But now there was a different edge to the sex. For once Malfoy allowed himself to be the one dominated and tied down. 

He guessed that the Wolf would like it. And he was right. 

In less than half an hour he was awake, stumbling around and getting dressed, trying to make the house as presentable as possible. It was hard work, but nothing that a wizard couldn't do. 

The house was paid for in James' will. Knowing that his lycanthropic friend was forever short of a warm place to sleep in, he had bought the house, sensing that it was the ideal home. 

It was a ruined old cottage that scarcely had electricity apart from a bulb in every room, a fridge, an Aga and a video player in the living room. It was set nearly half a mile away from the nearest farm in a muddy corner of Sussex, hidden down winding country roads and small copses. 

Every full moon he used to run through the small woods, fighting hard to stay away from the farms. But who was a farmer to suspect when a sheep went missing occasionally; a respectable "tired looking" young man, or one of the marauding foxes?

It was a debt that Remus would never thank James enough for. In his times of trouble it was a haven, buried away from the buzz of wizarding city life and where the highlight of the local news was the fact that a female Christian chose to wear a veil in the style of a woman in the Middle East. 

Lupin could easily transfigure the battered old sofa into a bed for Harry. After last night he did not want to put the young wizard in the same bed that his former-Professor and Godfather had slept in. 

"Am I being presumptuous in turning up this early?" came a familiar voice, travelling through the wood of the front door. "I hope not." 

Remus found a smile leaping to his face and he rushed out to greet his old student. Surprising even himself, he pulled Harry into a tight embrace.

"Merlin, I've missed you," he whispered, pushing Harry away so that he could beam down at the boy. "You look well." 

Harry frowned, shrugging in the baggy clothes that swamped his skinny frame. He would never be as tall as James but he was a fairly respectable 5"9. He reached forward a pale hand to gently touch Lupin on the cheek. 

"Christ…" he started before pulling his hand away with an embarrassed blush. "What happened to you?" 

His questioning eyes met the rapidly colouring bruise on Remus' neck and similar ones dotted over his face. They finished on his darkened lips. 

"Sirius, that's what happened to me, kiddo," Remus answered heavily, swiftly ducking down to grasp Harry's bag and walk away into the bedroom. 

"Snuffles did _that _to _you_!" Harry cried incredulously, fierce pride for his godfather fighting against the instinct to believe Lupin. "You're joking." 

"I wish I was." 

"Sirius wouldn't do something like that," there was an air of panic in the boy's voice as he raced after Remus. He grasped the old man's wrist and spun him around at the same time pushing him down onto the bed. 

With awkward deliberation Harry set about examining the bruises on Remus' face and neck. Finally he came to his arms and quickly pulled the shirtsleeve upwards to reveal fingerprints on the soft skin. 

He traced the line of old scars up and down Remus' arm before realising the action and pulling away sharply. 

"He didn't do that, Harry," the werewolf said quietly, pushing the sleeve back down again. 

"I guessed." 

Harry slumped on the bed next to Remus. "I-I don't understand… why would Sirius beat you up like that? Was he mad because you left him?" 

"He didn't beat me up, per se. It was done inadvertently." 

"Now I'm even more confused… he didn't beat you up; yet you're all bruised like you've been in a major fight with him." Harry caught Lupin's hand and squeezed it. "You can tell me whatever happened." 

Remus stared at the seventeen-year-old for a while, marvelling at the quiet wisdom in his eyes before sighing. "You're old enough to know about relationships aren't you?" 

Harry gave a soft giggle. "You aren't giving me the talk about the birds and the bees are you? 'Cos if you are, it came about five years too late." 

"Harry- please be quiet." Remus voice was steely quiet. "Sex isn't just about two people expressing their love for each other, and all that rubbish parents are supposed to tell you. You know that, right?" 

Harry gave him a confused look but nodded all the same. 

"It isn't always just about pleasure either. It's about mind games," Lupin reached up one long finger to tap the wizard on the temple. "It's about power. Sirius came around last night to me…" 

"He wanted to sleep with you?" Harry whispered. He had always taken Sirius for such an obvious heterosexual; Lupin he wasn't so sure. But Sirius… it seemed obvious. 

"Yes. Now I know what you're thinking. Sirius doesn't _like _sleeping with men as a rule. He did it this one time because in his mind he had something to prove. I don't know why, but he did." 

Harry's mouth fell open as he stared at his former-Professor. "I think maybe I ought to leave you alone, Professor. You need some time on your own." 

"Harry, no," Remus got to the door before him, firmly shutting it. "Hear me out before you go haring back to the Dursleys." He took a deep breath. "Sirius is very ill. Azkaban- it did something to him. I'm not sure what; it unhinged some part of his mind. And so he turned to alcohol." 

"You're telling me he was drunk when he slept with you?" again the high, slightly hysterical sound. 

Remus nodded slowly. "He probably won't even remember it. We did it then I pushed him into the fireplace and sent him back home. He's probably still asleep on the floor." 

"You're lying!" his voice was a hiss at the start. 

"I'm not- do you think I'd making something like this up, Harry?" 

"You're LYING!" 

"Harry- please believe me. Sirius is unwell"-

"YOU'RE LYING." 

"Fine." Harry knew he had gone too far as the frosty tone entered Remus' voice. The werewolf crossed his arms, knocking the door opened carelessly with his foot. "Go then. Take some Floo powder and say 'Sherbet Cottage'. Tell Sirius that I sent you with all my love." 

Remus spat the final few words out, shoving the bag into Harry's arms and escorting him to the fireplace. 

There was a flash of light and the boy was gone, all that remained was an echo of the wide, green eyes staring out that repeated itself through the lycanthrope's head. 

He sank to his knees and for the first time he wept. 

_~_

"Oh, bleeding great!" came the sarcastic moan as soon as Harry stumbled out of the fireplace. The shove that had started in Lupin's house propelled him out and he landed on his bag. 

"Moony's sent along his personal miracle worker? What's wrong- has he given up hope as well?" 

Harry frowned as he searched for the owner of the voice. Finally he found it coming from a singular armchair, turned away from the rest, staring out of the window. 

"'Lo Sirius," he murmured. "Lupin sent me." 

"Bastard, he knows I'm terrible with kids. Bugger off, Harry; you don't want to be here. No offence meant, mate. I'm hung over therefore I am moody and you do not want to be here." 

"I wouldn't believe Lupin," Harry said quietly. "He was lying, wasn't he?" 

For the first time Sirius stood up, stretching his lanky frame to the highest it would go. He looked quite frankly, awful. His skin had a green tinge to it and his hair was greasy from neglect. 

"Nope. Moony doesn't lie well, you can always tell when he's fibbing." 

Harry balled his fists as anger started to course through his body. "You bastard," he cried, emerald eyes gleaming. "Have you seen what you've done to him?" 

"Done to him?" Sirius repeated, his eyes wide and mocking. "I didn't do _anything _to him," his voice was low and threatening as he made his way over to his godson. "He brought it all on is himself." 

Harry aimed a sloppy punch upwards but it was intercepted by the taller man's hand and stopped. "Your little friend is nothing but a _slut. _He was asking for it." 

"Stop saying that!" 

"He's done it before you know- he just lies on his back all day with his legs spread to all and sundry!" Sirius' voice was loud and noisy, spittle landing on Harry's cheek. 

Colour rose in Harry's face in indignation of hearing his former-Professor insulted like this. "You don't know him like I do, Harry. He's insatiable; he'll sleep with you too if he got the chance. Did you know he tried to shag your father? Luckily Prongs wouldn't let him. Do you know who he slept with at school?

… 

Lucius Malfoy. Yep- everyone's favourite tame werewolf is nothing but a slut. The Slytherin Hussy everyone called him." 

"Shut up." Harry didn't know when he had suddenly become so protective over Lupin, truth be he usually believed his godfather more than the man who had taught him for a year. 

He just couldn't see Lupin painted in this light that Sirius described him. "Yeah," the wizard drawled as if reading Harry's thoughts. "He's not just that bookish man that everyone loves so much…" 

"Shut up." This time the punch landed and Harry fled back through the Floo network leaving Sirius in baffled silence with not only a throbbing head but now an aching jaw. 

_Thanks to my darling reviewers: _**AmandaMarsters, Moongirl, Starr Light1, Bipolar Girl, Doneril, madisonfairie and gfhgfhgf **(I hope this _quick _update was _long _enough for you. ;


	4. Blond Hair, Rain Rooftops and Secrets

_"Slow voices speaking through a hurricane. Said that I wanted but I lied. You're looking good. Hey man I can't complain. Ghost on the road at night._

_Seen him out walking he's just skin and bone. I don't see nothing in his eyes. Some call it hell it felt like home from home. I'm dreaming different skies." _

**Knowhere, **David Gray

**T**he small house was empty, his cries echoing around, bouncing off the whitewashed walls. He flung the front door open, wincing as the wood smashed against the stone with a slight breaking noise. 

Harry stepped out of the house, dropping his bag behind him. Drizzle was coming down making the small mess of a garden steam. "Lupin?" he called. 

There was a muffled noise behind him and he spun around. There was nothing so he stared back ahead. In the distance he could just about see the squareness of a farm building sat behind the small copse and empty field. 

"Remus? Where are you?" Harry cried, flinging his arms down, not minding as the rain splattered about him. 

"Here," came the hoarse reply. The wizard turned to find a pair of legs dangling from the rooftop. A second later a head appeared, Remus stared down at him with a wry grin. "Climb up if you want." 

Harry scrambled onto the railings that stood on the veranda then reached upwards to fling his arms over onto the roof. 

Strong hands pulled him up and he sat, panting, next to Remus. "You'll get wet," the werewolf said quietly before lying down so that he stared at the sky. His hands were folded behind his head as a pillow and his bare feet clutched at the edge of the slate tiles. 

Harry didn't lie down, but he propped his head up on his hand as he scrutinized his former-Professor. "There's so much you've never told me." 

"Would you prefer me to reveal all of my darkest secrets to you?" Lupin asked, a small smile tugging at his bloodied lips. 

"I would like to know who the man is that wants to house me for the summer." 

"If you knew more about me, then I fear you would not have me house you for all the money in Gringotts." 

"Merely saying that makes me anxious," Harry answered, his fingers playing over the black slate, slippery with moisture. 

"Sirius has most probably told you everything that I'd ever tell you. He told you about Lucius, didn't he?" 

Harry nodded, worried by the unconcerned expression on Lupin's face. 

"No doubt you think me some kind of monster for sleeping with him then?" 

"Not particularly. If he was anything like Draco then I'm sure he was…" Harry swallowed deeply. "Very attractive- he gets a lot of attention from the girls."

Remus sat up quickly. "I'm not giving this as an answer for my actions. Just trust me Harry." He placed the index finger of both hands on Harry's temples and then closed his eyes. 

There was a swirl of colour behind Harry's eyes and he shut them. 

_The laughter cut through his blurred senses like a knife to the throat. He pulled his lips away from the other boy's with a loud smack and stumbled backwards into a warm body. _

_"Moony," James Potter crowed. "Didn't know you had it in you! Sly ol' dog!" _

_He punched his friend playfully on the arm then his hazel eyes became serious. "Are you okay?" he masked his concern with another playful laugh. _

_Sirius was still slumped against the window, running his hands through his hair with a strange little whistle. His cheeks were flushed and his lips were red. "Merlin, Moony. That was something." _

_The whole of the common room laughed with the extroverted boy. "If you don't mind now, I think I need to reassess my sexuality though." He grinned with the smile that could melt a thousand teacher's hearts at Lily Evans. "Up for it, Evans?" _

_The redhead grinned back at him but glanced back at James. "Dream on, Black. I'm taken remember? What about that poor Ravenclaw that's meant to be your girlfriend? If you hurry you might get to her before the rumours do!" _

_Sirius winked at her and the girl next to her before dashing out of the common room. _

_James steered his slightly catatonic friend towards the dormitory, ignoring Peter who was generally getting in the way and chatting in a shrill voice to the ignorant Remus. _

_He placed the werewolf on his bed and then crouched in front of him. "You're drunk, mate." _

_Lupin stirred slightly wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his black jumper. "Give the man a fucking prize," he retorted bitterly, shaking off James' curious touches. _

_"Come on, Moony. I know its tough but drowning your sorrows and then nearly shagging Sirius won't help it," James' voice was verging on patronising now. _

_Remus bared his teeth in a half-hearted growl. "Piss off James. I'm not in the mood for one of your lectures." _

_"Fine," the Seeker stiffened, folding his arms across his chest, a hurt expression on his clear features. "I won't try and help you." _

_Remus sprang up from the bed with the intention of leaving the dormitory, before he did so he narrowed his eyes and stared at James, suddenly softly. "Prongs, you can't help me," he whispered before he was gone in a few loping steps. _

_He dashed out of the common room ignoring the moaning coming from behind a sofa as Sirius snogged the daylights out of the Gryffindor girl he had winked at earlier. It seemed that rumour had beat him to the Ravenclaw. _

_He sprinted up a staircase, following the winding circle until he burst into a near-empty room. Then he slid out of the narrow window onto a small balcony and then climbed up a ladder until he was stood on the roof of the tower. _

_He was not alone. _

_"I didn't know anyone in this poxy school had the guts to come up here," a familiar voice sneered. Lucius Malfoy got to his feet and extended a hand to pull Lupin further onto the top of the tower and away from the rickety ladder. _

_"It _is _a long way to fall," Remus replied, eyeing the hand warily but taking it all the same. _

_"Well that's the depressed way of looking at it," Malfoy answered with a slight smirk lighting up his pale face._

_"That's handy, 'cos I'm depressed," Lupin flung his hands down and slumped onto the tiled roof. _

_Malfoy chuckled and sat next to him. "You're drunk." _

_"Yes." _

_"So Gryffindor braveness isn't anything but Dutch courage?" _

_"Possibly." _

_"I like you, Lupin." _

_The werewolf started, sitting up to meet the grey eyes. "Well customarily this is when I'm supposed to profess my love for you, Malfoy, but I don't think I will today."_

_Lucius raised one silvery eyebrow. "Very cutting, Lupin. You don't get many people like that around here." _

_Remus stared levelly at him with indifference. "I'm glad I have your approval, Malfoy," he muttered sarcastically. _

_"What did you do? - To make you run out here like that?" _

_"Kissed Black." _

_Malfoy threw back his head and laughed. Remus started at the sound, it was marvellously deep and throaty. "'S not funny," he mumbled. "I got drunk because my parents just died."_

_"That's sad," Lucius said and his tone was compassionate although the humour had not all gone from his grey eyes. "My commiserations. Truly, my mother died a couple of years ago. The bitch."_

_Remus nodded his head slowly, he was slightly unsure about the tone of Malfoy's voice. He wasn't sure whether to accept the boy's words at face value, or to be slightly wary of them. _

_Lucius wasn't exactly known at Hogwarts as a result of his honesty. He was one of the tricksy wizards at the school and as a result had a fierce reputation to uphold. _

_You could never tell whether the pureblood was going to embrace you, or stick a knife in your back. The only way to get along with Lucius was to gamble your dignity. _

_There was only a small group of the elite of Slytherin that Lucius considered 'friends', or rather associates. Together they lorded over the weak and youngest at Hogwarts, shocking the school with their outrageous antics. _

_Remus felt a finger trail up the inside of his arm and a thrill of excitement shot through him in a way he'd never felt before. "Oh, have you heard about Tom Wilkins?" Lucius asked, his voice low and husky. _

_"No, what's happened to him?" the werewolf knew of the boy, he was a vaguely attractive sixth-year Ravenclaw. He was pompous and abrasive. _

_"He slept with Evan Rosier last night. It's all meant to be hush-hush, but if I know Evan, he's doing it for the publicity." _

_Remus didn't know whether to be shocked in a disgusted way or slightly intrigued. He knew of homosexuality, but it had never been practised at Hogwarts so publicly. _

_"Apparently its all the vogue in the muggle world- something to do with some law being passed, or something along those lines." Lucius waved one hand dismissively before tilting his head to stare at his companion. _

_The werewolf felt himself reddening slightly under the intense scrutiny as grey eyes swept over the whole of his body. Lucius smirked slightly, "Getting a bit hot under the collar, Lupin?" _

_He shrugged, praying that the flush was going from his cheeks. _

_"You like it?" _

_And as the silken words hung in the air, Remus was suddenly confronted by Lucius' face right in front of his own. All he could see was stone irises, high cheekbones and pouting lips. _

_Lucius chuckled as Remus' body jolted suddenly as a hand stroked the inside of his thigh. _

_To his surprise, Remus found the contact pleasurable and had to stifle a groan as Lucius' fingers crept itchingly higher and higher. Maybe homosexuality wasn't such a bad idea… how could it be when _this _was so nice. _

_"Are you trying to seduce me?" the words blurted out of his mouth before he could stop them and for a moment the fingers paused their movement. _

_Lucius' lips curved upwards in a sinful smile that made Remus' stomach flop as though he was a teenaged girl with her first crush. "Is it working well?" _

_"Yes."_

_They continued stroking and now Remus shuddered as he felt moist lips tugging at the skin around his neck. Every so often he would feel a short puff of warm breath and he trembled. _

_"We can't have Evan hogging all the limelight for being daring and scandalous, can we? Image the responses! Malfoy and Lupin sleeping together… just think about it." _

_Remus gave a rattling breath as Lucius began to dip his hand down the inside of his trousers. _

_"For once in your life do something outrageous- surprise people." _

_"I think I did that enough today." _

_Maybe it was the alcohol or the way that Lucius whispered dirty comments in his ear that made him blush and ache, but Lupin was considering giving into the sinful mouth and playful fingers. _

_"Not on the roof," he hissed. He pulled Malfoy's hand out. _

_"What do you mean?" he was all innocent eyes and concerned voice. _

_"You can shag me if you want; but not on the bleeding _roof_!" _

_"Where then?" _

_Remus slid off the rooftop and stood in the Divination room, waiting for the blond-haired boy to follow him. The minute that Lucius slipped down the ladder and into the room, he was met by a kiss. _

_"Here." And the werewolf pulled them down onto a pile of gaudy pillows that had been left undisturbed. _

_Everything about Lucius Malfoy was entrancing; he was so different to the brash, demanding Sirius and James. He was so subtle in getting what he wanted; so smooth and sly. _

_And he liked the idea that the most known boy in school wanted to sleep with him. That was good for his low self-esteem, not for a moment he considered his friend's reactions._

Harry opened his eyes with a small gasp. He stared at the werewolf in silence for a while. Then he turned his head and just stared at the sun as it began to set. 

They sat in absolute silence; hands folded his laps and eyes unblinking. The sky was cast a brilliant shade of pink, brighter than nature ever is. The moon was already in the sky, hiding against the still pale sky in the East. 

Remus blinked for a moment and looked at Harry. His delicate features were painted with oranges and golds, his green eyes almost black. There was a strange settling sensation in his stomach as he looked upon the sharp features. 

He hadn't felt anything like this in many a year. Probably since Lucius and his sweet words and hard sex. 

Could it be the beginnings of something that shouldn't happen between two people of their age? He ignored it and swallowed, preparing his dry throat for speech. "Dinner?" 

Harry blinked the black spots from his eyes and smiled at Remus. "Sure. What do you have?" 

"Well… I'm sure I have some bread that is still relatively fresh. I might have some milk if you're lucky. Cheese, do you like cheese?" 

"I do." 

"That's good. I always have a lot of cheese- the cows you see…" 

"Mnn…" 

_~_

Dinner had been a relatively quiet affair. They had sat on the veranda quietly munching on the food while each quietly contemplated the other. 

They both went to their beds quietly and within a couple of minutes Remus was asleep. He stirred a few hours later after some restless dreaming. He pulled his dressing gown on and padded out of the room. 

The sofa bed was empty. He followed the trail of the open door to the porch and there he found Harry. The wizard was sat on the step, his legs crossed and he gazed skywards. 

At the soft sounds behind him he spun around then seeing it was Lupin smiled hesitantly. "Did I wake you up?" 

He shook his head in the negative and sunk next to him, clutching his robe to his chest. Although it was summer, there was a nasty bite in the air. "Nightmares?" 

"Yes," Harry revealed with an almost shameful blush, although Remus couldn't see it in the near-darkness. "I always dream about Voldemort. Even though he's dead… he still haunts me." 

"He's bound to," Remus replied, his mind having to work quickly to figure out what to say next. He had to give Harry comforting words but the boy was of the age that he wouldn't take patronising well. "You don't go through those sorts of ordeals without some kind of scar."

"Like Sirius," Harry murmured, his eyes bright in the moonlight. Remus' heart missed a beat and he fought against the reaction to take Harry into his arms and hug him tightly. 

"Like Sirius," the werewolf found his cheeks grow hot at the memory. 

"L-Remus, what is going to happen to Sirius? Will he always be like that?" 

The man hung his head for a moment, letting the hair tumble back from behind his ears and cover his face. Then he felt fingers gently push against the side of his face and his hair was tucked back. "Remus?" Harry asked again, his voice was quiet but persistent. 

"Sirius had a very troubled childhood, you know that as well as anyone. He suffered from a mild form of manic-depression but luckily at Hogwarts it seemed not to trouble him much. And all the stress of the war has seemed to bring it back again. It's mainly induced by alcohol. While he is under its influence he is in his manic stage, when he's hungover he's depressive." 

"Oh. I didn't realise it was that bad." 

"Yes. Its mainly alcoholism that's the problem. Even when he was a child Sirius drank a lot. I remember he snuck out at least once a month at Hogwarts to go down to the Hogs Head." 

They sat in silence finally Harry tilted his head to the side. "Why did you let Sirius sleep with you?" 

Remus opened his mouth to say something, but then shut it again. "I guess I was a bit lonely. I-It's hard to explain." 

"Try me." 

"I've been so long without any _intimate _touches – the last time probably being during Hogwarts- that I would take any that I could find, trying to fool myself that it was real passion and-and…" 

He trailed off as another awkward silence formed. "If you asked someone what they most wanted in the world they would answer, money, an ocean-going yacht, a mansion, maybe a cure. If you asked me, I would say tenderness. To be held in a tender embrace." 

The former-Professor stopped again, aware that he was started to ramble. Hurriedly he got to his feet and squeezed Harry's shoulder. "Try and get some rest, eh?" 

He dashed back into the house and Harry remained sat on the step, lost in thought. 

_~ _

Sunshine, child's laughter, friends, parents, the noisy business of the kitchen before a Sunday roast, the cool side of the pillow, watching a glorious sunset while hanging out of a window, a good book, make-believing yourself to a fantasy land.

A pair of arms wrapping you in a tender embrace.

You fall asleep with a contended smile.

_~_

_Thank you to my reviewers again; you guys seriously make my week. Lady of Violet, Gabriela13, Undomiel Canis Lupin, __hgfr;;jjggfddshgfjghddsngdgfdhgfgfxjytdktehjtrsytrs7654tre6y68_ (calm down dear… not so many letters, _please) and everyone else from before. ___


	5. Hormones and Virgins In My Memories

_"It wasn't open. But somehow you let yourself in. Closed off and broken. I never wanted to go there again. I wasn't waiting. But you came along at just the right time. Weary and wasted. I never knew I could feel so alive." _

**7 Keys, **Aqualung. 

**H**e stirred slowly, unwilling to pull himself away from the peaceful slumber he had fallen into during the night. The warmth behind him was glorious. The smell… he recognised the smell. 

Like taking a biscuit from the tin when you're not meant to. Not allowed and a bit naughty, but somehow comfortingly homely. 

The fact that Harry was only seventeen – nearly eighteen – and that he was forty-odd did not come into his mind as he gently moved further into the boy's embrace. 

It felt to good to be wrong. 

The arms moulded around his thin frame as though they had been in that position for years, sliding with practised ease. Remus sighed and gently rested his head on the crook between Harry's shoulder and neck. 

There was a responding soft puff of breath as Harry made himself comfortable. "Good morning," the wizard muttered, his eyes still shut. 

Remus lifted his slightly to gaze at the black lashes lain against porcelain skin. He followed the soft curve of his brow down to the straight nose then finished upon the gently pouting lips. 

Again that troublesome feeling stirred in the pit of his stomach and he tried to pull away from Harry but his hold was tight. "No, stay," he whispered, finally opening his eyes to reveal disconcertingly bright fires. 

Harry's bottom lip jutted out as Lupin tried insistently to sit up. When the werewolf finally managed to disentangle himself from the boy's grasp, he felt arms around him once more. 

Harry laid his arms around Remus' slender hips and then pulled him backwards as if he was a favourite toy that he was loathe to part with. "'S comfortable," he murmured, his voice still hoarse from sleep. 

Remus relaxed and wriggled his frame down the bed slightly so that Harry's head could rest comfortably on his shoulder as he clutched the lycanthrope

Idly he wound his fingers around the jet strands of hair as he tried to regulate his breathing, which was already becoming erratic from Harry's close proximity. "So, what do you want to do today?" 

Harry chuckled, Remus' bare skin muffling the sounds that his lips made. He shivered. 

"Whatever you want to do… I never do much in the summer holidays anyway. Although I agreed with Ron and Hermione to meet up at Diagon Alley for the last day of the holiday, if that's okay with you?" 

"So you're staying the _whole _holiday?" Remus asked, pleasantly surprised. 

"If you'll have me." Harry's lips curved slyly upwards against the sensitive skin of Lupin's neck. 

"I'll be boring." 

"_This_ isn't boring." Harry propped himself up on one elbow, the other arm draped over the other side of Remus. His dark hair tumbled into his eyes and the lycanthrope chuckled, pushing it away. 

He leant down and gave Remus a swift kiss before collapsing once more into the nice corner between his shoulder and his neck. 

Remus decided that he quite enjoyed lying here and wouldn't actually mind doing it all day. 

_~_

He was miserable. Fucking, bloody, sodding miserable. Sirius growled as he stomped around the lonely cottage looking for his wand. The warm fuzzy feeling of the alcohol had left him and now he felt distinctly cold once more. 

'Remus, sod it.' He thought to himself with no particular clarity. He stumbled over a footstool and by a stroke of chance discovered the piece of wood. 'Magical sodding piece of wood' he corrected himself. 

It was all Remus' fault, he decided. Ever since he had left the house with all his Professor-ly morals he had caused no end of annoyance. Sirius had to spend time actually remembering where the blasted werewolf lived before he could go and shag him. 

And even shagging him didn't help. 'As much fun as a piece of sodding conveniently shaped wood,' was the thought that had run through his mind. 

_The door swung open and Sirius stuck his hands deeply into his pockets before quickly pulling them out at the sight of Remus. The smaller of the two was dressed in a pair of worn grey slacks and a white shirt that was hanging off him as if he had been interrupted during changing. _

_A flash of annoyance danced through the golden eyes before resignation settled on the full lips and they curved downwards. "Fine," he said quietly. _

_Sirius grinned, grasping Remus' head in both hands and kissing him ferociously. He felt nothing. No response. With an annoyed growl he bit down sharply, drawing blood. _

_The lips drew back and Remus planted his hand on Sirius' chest, pushing him away. "No kissing." His voice was steely cold. _

_His hands were cold as he undressed Black, methodically slow as he removed every article of clothing until the pureblood stood naked. Then Remus started to remove his own, starting first with his trousers, folding them neatly on the floor before starting on his shirt. _

_Sirius shook his head, staying the cold hands. "Keep it on," he muttered before wrapping Remus in his arms, fingers splayed across his buttocks and lips working against his skin. _

_They staggered backwards into the bedroom and the werewolf was pushed back onto the bed, landing in an ungraceful heap of limbs. Sirius didn't wait and pounced on his friend, pinning him against the mattress with sharp hips and strong thighs. _

_The first time was ordinary. The second was on the floor, slamming backs and cracking bones. Third against the wall, bruising grips and punishing kisses. The fourth was back on the bed, Remus dominating. The final was Remus tied to the bed with magical chains. _

_Hands imprinted on the inside of soft arms. _

And now Harry knew about it, so that made the whole mess worse because Sirius knew that he wouldn't be able to look his godson in the eye ever again. 

A wave of gloom swept over him and he pinched the bridge of his nose before leaving the room in a cloud of misery.  

_~_

He had got up to make himself a piece of toast. He was the sort of person that couldn't last very long without breakfast. Remus dusted the crumbs from his mouth and made his way back into the bedroom. 

"Come on lazy bones, its actually a nice day outside," he said chirpily, nodding his head towards the lump beneath the covers. 

He stood, resting his shins against the bed and prodded the shape. He continued on prodding until he felt arms shoot around and grasp around his knees. With a weak cry Remus tumbled onto the bed and was immediately pounced upon. 

Harry's face grinned down at him with a butter wouldn't melt in his mouth expression. "Take a little tumble, Lupin?" 

He felt himself shiver at the young man's words and feebly nodded his head. In an instant Remus was aware of the lack of clothes between him and Harry. He sat astraddle the werewolf's thighs and his flannel pyjama top was falling off one shoulder revealing the delightful slope of his neck. 

Harry's eyes gleamed with something foreign; something Remus had never seen in them before. The corner of his sinful lips curved upwards and he bent down slowly, tilting his head. 

By Merlin, Remus felt like dissolving under the boy's lips as his tongue gently bumped against his mouth, nudging it open. Slowly and sensuously Harry's tongue started to explore his mouth. 

Remus risked opening one eye and the mien on Harry face caused a thrill of excitement to run through his veins and cautiously he curved one hand around the back of his neck, pulling him in deeper. 

Finally they parted for breath, rosy lipped and shiny eyed. Harry didn't waste any time and already his talented lips played with the tip of Remus' ear. 

The werewolf moaned with pleasure as the tongue flicked around leaving a wet, warm trail as it went. "Harry, you don't know what you're doing." His voice cracked as he spoke. 

"I think I do," came the silky murmur from the raven-haired boy as his talented lips played across the skin just below his ear. "What else would you call this?"

The lycanthrope tried to concentrate on his words but it was so hard as Harry's hips swayed in the air from his bent-over position. He couldn't stop his hands as they started to run up and down the curve of his thighs and buttocks. 

"You don't want me, you're just doing this for some reason I don't know…" Remus begged as Harry move his lithe body downwards so that he could suck on the gulping Adam's apple.  

"You don't want me," he repeated in a faint whisper as he felt cool hands slip beneath his dressing gown and started to roam over his skin. "I'm a slut; a whore." 

"Who's the slut?" Harry asked, lifting his head to grin wickedly at the older man. "It's me. Just ignore your conscience for once, Remus and let yourself go." 

Harry gave a small noise as he pulled the dressing gown open, purring as his ivory fingers scraped down Remus' chest. 

He giggled slightly as cool fingers clutched at his buttocks, moving his hips so that they groundagainst the older man's. He moved his lips up and they kissed again.

Something inside him snapped as though he had been smashed across the head with a Bible. This was _wrong_. This was _Harry_- James' son! 

Harry knew the moment he saw the panicked expression on Remus' face. He pulled away, shrugging his pyjamas back onto his skinny frame. "I'm sorry," he murmured before fleeing to the bathroom. 

Remus pulled his robe about him once more and staggered out of the room, feeling suffocated by the smell of hormones in the air. All he could think of was the tantalising offer of Harry's pale, virgin skin. 

With a muffled shriek he scrambled back onto the roof and rested his head in his hands. 

_~_

Reviewers- I salute you. Thanks from the bottom of my heart – Poicale, Doneril, Gabriela13, AmandaMarsters, Moongirl, bghjxj

**And all the rest of you. *nods head* Thanks and keep reviewing please!**


	6. Int 1 Voyeurism Isn't Good For You

~ _Interlude 1, or Why Voyeurism Isn't Good For Your Mind ~ _

You dirty, dirty SOD! How _old _are you? You were always older than ME- so you must be about **forty **by now! He's SEVENTEEN for Merlin's Sake!It isn't even **LEGAL **for you to sleep with him. You make me sick. I always knew _werewolves _were twisted. 

You always had a strange MANIC glint in your eyes- and you call me the _crazy _**one**? You should be LOCKED away with all the rest of _you _child molesters and murderers. 

Dug in a graveyard full of people who've committed **ATROSITIES **and who've been _shot _to pay for their crimes. Stood before the **firing squad **your hands BOUND and eyes _OPEN_. 

You'd find that kinky though. Wouldn't you? TIED up and HELPLESS? _Turns _you **on**? 

I want to take you by your UGLY, _pale, _**body **and make you bleed for your SINS! Make you pay for how you've **corrupted **Harry. He is nothing but a CHILD- you monster. **_JUDAS! _**

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**My fingers **are number with _anger. _GET- 

_Good. _Go- **get **off him. Run like the _animal _you ARE. 

_Run. _

**_Run. _**

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**_RUN! _**

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_I can't help _but **love **YOU. I WANT _you bound _and **GAGGED, **lying like a trapped butterfly, pinned to a decorative board. I want to TEACH you. I want to **_love _**you. 

I want **you **and _your _sins beneath me now. _Writhing_. 

_Cleanse _ME with your **tainted **hands.


	7. Get Out Of My Sunshine, You Bastard

**Sorry if that previous chapter was a mite unsettling – it was pretty experimental and a good stress relief. There are a couple more of its ilk still to come if you enjoyed it by some chance. Thanks to my reviewers; sorry for not updating quickly enough, but here's two whole chapters. Special thanks to old reviewers (all the happiness in the world to you, please continue your god-brilliant job) and to newbies 15ShadesOfGrey and to Lousia who is just such a sweetie. _THANK YOU! _**

_"How can it be? I can taste you now. How can I see when you're everything? All my world in one grain of sand. And I've blown it. All my world in one grain of sand. And you own it." _

**Black Cherry, **Goldfrapp. 

**H**e could tell by the position of the sun that it had gone noon. The fiery orb was hovering overhead, heating the back of his neck and making the tawny hair damp with sweat. 

It had dawned a clear day. Sunny and remarkably hot for England's notoriously screwed up weather. Dressed in just a thin robe, Remus already felt too hot. 

He wanted nothing more to jump down from the rooftop and go into the house. To lie in the shade of the wooden hallway, limbs splayed like a dog. He would have if he hadn't been bothering to keep what dignity remained. 

There was the soft pad of bare feet beneath him and Harry's dark head came into view. Squinting upwards and shielding his eyes, the wizard hollered, "Come down, Lupin. I don't to tell Dumbledore that it's my fault that you got skin cancer." 

With a crooked smile, Remus dropped to the porch floor. Straightening up, he noticed the slightly horrified expression on Harry's face. "Haven't ever broken a bone doing that." 

Raising one eyebrow dubiously Harry nodded. "I'll be in the garden if you want. Snape set us some Potions homework that I want to get finished." 

Remus nodded back and disappeared with relief into the darkness of the cottage. 

Half an hour later Harry squinted up from the rickety old deckchair perched in the middle of the garden. "'Lo," he greeted the older man, surprised by the hoarseness of his voice. 

Remus was not much more than a black splodge in front of him and the werewolf chuckled. "I've got you a drink. Butterbeer okay?" he handed down a glass of the liquid. 

Gratefully Harry swallowed it, smacking his lips noisily and relishing the delighted laugh that answered his action. Remus flopped down onto the grass next to him, hands folded over his stomach. 

He had changed into a pair of battered looking khaki shorts that were designed to be long, finishing below his knees. They had seen better days but Harry was surprised; they looked oddly enough in fashion. 

On his torso was a plain white t-shirt with the faded legend: SOUTHAMPTON UNIVERSITY sprawled the chest in maroon letters.  "How far have you got with your essay?" Remus asked, his dark eyes following the path of the clouds above him. 

"I'm thinking of slitting my wrists with my quill," Harry responded, flinging the piece of parchment onto the grass with a small snort. "List the five uses for ground tourmaline in amulet making. Was Snape drunk when he wrote this?" 

Remus gave a soft snicker. "Leave it on the table and I'll have a look later." 

"Thanks." Harry sunk further into the deckchair and shot another glance at his former-Professor and the man he had kissed only an hour earlier. It was strange how situations changed. At the moment he wouldn't have dreamt of doing anything even vaguely salacious. 

"Are we doing anything this afternoon?" Harry wondered, tilting the bottle to his lips once more. 

"We could always wander into the village," Remus mused, twiddling a blade of grass between his thumb and forefinger. "There's a nice pub that I used to enjoy going to when I was younger." 

Harry raised his eyebrows, laughter in his eyes. "And here I was thinking that you were the sensible one- I've been wrong all these years, Lupin. I can see that you were the risk-taker." 

Remus smiled gently at the memories of the quintessentially English pub. It was family run, occupied by the friendly grizzled faces of the farmers and local women. He remembered pretending to be grown-up when he was thirteen and taking his first proper girlfriend into the pub. 

They were thrown out of course, but Remus had kept up his bluster and shook his fist at the landlord in a way that he supposed was very manly. 

Remus closed his eyes and dozed off, warmed by the sun and good company. 

_~_

"Are you sure you want this?" Harry asked, reaching down to anxiously squeeze the older man's hand. 

Remus' eyes briefly flickered down to the hand before flickering back to the door. "Not really, but we ought to- to make sure that Sirius hasn't done anything to damage himself. If I'm right, he ought to be more depressed now." 

Harry nodded, reluctantly letting go and allowing Remus to knock on the door. 

A couple of moments later there was a shuffling sound and the door opened slightly. "I had a feeling it wasn't going to be the milkman," Sirius mumbled, his eyes scornful. "Don't drink much milk. Don't drink much"- 

"Apart from alcohol," the old friends finished, their eyes meeting as they spoke in unison. 

"What do you want?" the wizard's eyes were bright despite the tired circles beneath them. They snapped towards Harry and the boy felt himself slowly blushing. 

There was something in the way that Sirius smirked and the way that his eyes switched between the pair that was unsettling. It was as though he knew something that they didn't. 

"Social visit," Remus answered softly. "Let us in, Padfoot." 

Sirius stiffened at the endearment. "There is no more Padfoot," he countered frostily. 

"Why?" the werewolf felt something deep inside him stir at the man's words. It was something akin to empathy. 

"Padfoot is dead. He died long ago." 

Remus hung his head as he stepped over the threshold; Harry dithered behind him, unsure if he was welcome in the house, but he was pulled in. The brief touch of Lupin's fingers on his wrist was enough to tell him that he was needed. 

They sat in silence, perched on the edge of the over-padded sofas. Remus coughed into the silence before plastering a fake smile onto his countenance. "How have you been keeping?" 

"I haven't drunk for a while," Sirius said with a doleful smile. 

"How long is a while?" 

"I haven't drunk at all today." 

Harry thought he saw a tear in Remus' eyes but then he blinked and the moisture was gone. The lycanthrope smiled again, in that patronising way of someone trying to hide his or her emotions. "That's an improvement." 

"It is, isn't it?" Sirius looked thoughtful for a moment before slumping back into his chair. "I'm doing it for you, you know. For you, Remus." 

The former-Professor covered the space between the two sofas in a couple of easy strides and sat next to his old friend. "I know, Sirius." He squeezed his knee with a silent show of encouragement. 

Harry watched the two of them, feeling somewhat in awe of Remus' calm demeanour. That was what made Lupin such a good teacher, it wasn't his expansive knowledge of the useless, or even the fact that he was work-shy with the students. 

It was the fact that he was already there with a patient smile. If he was asked to demonstrate something to a student then he wouldn't stop until the student themselves could perform it. 

"Harry, could you get us a cup of tea?" Remus asked. He pulled a bottle of milk out from underneath his coat. "I guessed you wouldn't have any," he explained with a shrug. 

Harry nodded and left the room. 

Remus removed his hand but as soon as he did so it was grasped in a steely hold. "Oh, Moony," Sirius breathed, clutching the palm towards his face and smelling it. 

"I've missed you so much." 

Lips pressed into the skin and Remus tried to move away. From underneath his eyebrows, Sirius' pale eyes glared upwards. "Don't play coy with me." 

He managed to get to his feet but with one quick tug, he was sent sprawling into Black's lap. Colour rose into Lupin's high cheekbones and he struggled indignantly. 

"You won't let me touch you, but you let _him_?" his voice was a hiss. The dumbstruck response was all that Sirius need and he laughed. "I saw you together. You disgust me." 

Remus couldn't react quick enough to stop the hand that cracked across his face, leaving a rush of pain behind. With a growl he placed his own hand against the reddening mark, feeling relief in the relative coolness. 

"Bastard," he cried. 

He heard Harry entering the room and turned to call to him but a vice-like grip caught his chin as Sirius pulled him into a punishing kiss. He gagged on the tongue that thrust into his mouth. 

Sirius' head snapped backwards as the first punch landed on his cheek. Shaking his head and swearing, he glared at Remus who had swiftly got to his feet. "Stay away from me." 

The werewolf's breathing was erratic, his chest heaving as adrenaline rushed through his veins. 

Sirius lumbered to his feet unsteadily. "And after all I do for you?" he cried. "This is how you treat me? All I have ever done to you was out of the kindness of my heart." 

Remus spat, his eyes glistening with anger that terrified Harry. "Kindness of your heart? Merlin's Beard, Black, even Malfoy was more gentle with me than you were!" 

"Oh yes, the all-powerful Malfoy. The boy so good that he has to pay people to shag him!" Sirius' voice cracked with emotion as he spoke. 

Remus felt blood rush to his face. It had been only the once. His parent's sudden deaths had left him without money for a couple of months. It had been Sirius' and James' birthday within two weeks of each other and he hadn't been able to afford anything.

He had just informed Malfoy that their 'sleeping arrangement' was over seeing as he wanted to study for his NEWTS more. Lucius had also been told about his situation and the pureblood had gently suggested the idea.

For one night. That was all. Never again; Remus couldn't stand the cheap feeling that rushed through him as he gathered his clothes and collected the money. 

"Shut it, Black!" Remus shouted, his fists clenching and his eyes blazing. 

"Is that the way you got him into bed with you, Harry? Lured him with a trail of money?" 

Harry couldn't stand the mocking smile of the man he had grown to love like a second father. This wasn't the man that had spent long afternoons with him, telling him all the best hexes and about secret corridors. 

Voldemort's death had brought about a sudden change in Sirius. 

All that remained in Dumbledore's little cottage, perched on a Scottish hill, was the echo of a crack and then a soft thud as a body hit the ground. 

_~ _

"Its enough to drive anyone to the bottle," Remus said grimly, shooting a wry smile at the boy. "Nice Stupefying Spell." 

"I've had lots of practise with that one," Harry said, twirling the offending wand between his fingers. "I didn't want to listen to him staying that stuff about you." 

There was something in his tone that told Remus that he didn't think Sirius' words were obvious lies. But still, the fact that he stood up for the older man made his heart swell with pride. 

He latched onto Harry's waist with a tight hug. "Thank you," he muttered into a hair-obscured ear. "What would I do without you?" 

Harry pulled away, blushing slightly, his coyness from the morning gone. "You'd probably be in casualty along with Sirius after punching yourselves silly. Either that or worrying yourself silly by thinking about him all day long." 

"You're right," Remus said with a brief smile. "Maybe I ought to ignore him for a while; it seems to do him good. Come on, let's go out." 

"Where?" 

"Where else?" Remus said with a little ironic laugh, sliding one arm easily around the youth's shoulder. "The pub." 

Harry's relaxed chuckles lifted into the sky as they made their way down the wild garden and then out onto the pot-holed country road. 


	8. One For Melodrama, Two For Pain

**God, you must all hate me. My profuse apologies for the slug-like speed in which I'm updating… I'm indulging in a decadently slow two weeks. So blame the Easter holiday, anyways… thanks to new readers – **_Merit Somnia, and AffectedMangoO **– **_**and to old alike, who are especially loyal and devoted. I thank you and pray that any chocolate you eat will never go onto your hips. Thanks! **

_Nel mezzo del commin di nostra vita, _

_Mi ritrovai per una selva oscura,_

_Ché laritta via era smarrita." _

**Paradiso (Canto 1, 1-3) **Dante Alighieri

**T**hey staggered home in the fading light of the summer night, laughing and talking loudly to the silent hedgerows and waving dog roses. 

With a messy kiss they separated and both went to their own beds, giddy with the warmth of alcohol. Harry fell straight asleep, his young body unaccustomed to the effects of the drink. 

Remus lay on the uncomfortable sofa, too drunk to even try to transfigure it into a proper bed. Slowly the wave of merriness passed, leaving him sombre in his intoxication. 

He stared up at the ceiling, trying to find an answer in the whitewash. But he found none, only mocking silence that rang in his ears and drove him half-mad with agitation. 

Getting to his feet, he thrust his hands into his pockets and wandered about the room. He had the uncanny feeling that something was going to happen. 

He walked to the door, opening it so that the cool night breeze entered the room. It was vaguely refreshing but after a while it began to chill him so he closed it once more. 

Remus turned, seeing the half-moon out of the corner of his eyes, and then there was sharp tapping sound on the window. Hissing for the bird to be quiet, he dashed towards it and let the owl in. 

Ruffling its wings indignantly, the bird allowed the note to be removed form its leg before flapping off in a hurry of feathers.

_Dear Remus,_

_You have always been my best friend, along with James. But now, it does not seem that even you can help me in my problem. I know you have tried to give me what solace you can in friendship, however I desire more and you will not give this to me._

_I hope that Harry will be as good a lover to you, as I would have. I would have been the greatest lover the world would have known. I would have treated you as though you were made out of the finest glass. _

_Maybe fate was not meant to take us that way anyway, although I have never been one to remain bound to fate's hold. _

_My time on earth has been sorrowful, in death I hope to finally attain peace, away from my insanities and demons. _

_"In the middle of the journey of our life,_

_I found myself astray in a dark wood_

_Where the right road has been lost sight of." _

_X_

_Sirius. (Padfoot is dead.)_

Remus scrunched the paper up in a sudden shout of anger. He pulled his wand from his pocket and Apparated. 

_~_

"Goodbye cruel world." Sirius closed his eyes, screwing them up until all he could see was bright flashing splodges, drowning in oily blackness. 

He gently tugged at the rope above his head to make sure that the light fitting it was attached to, wouldn't collapse beneath his weight. Satisfied he repeated his words in a nervous little whisper before stepping off the table. 

"Ever the one for clichés," Remus muttered grimly, shaking off the faint dizziness of Apparating, to charge forward and grasp Sirius by his knees. 

His feet, dangling only a couple of feet above the ground wriggled and Sirius made a hacking sound. 

"Stand on the table!" Remus cried into the jean material of Sirius' legs. He stumbled backwards, banging the back of the wizard's knees into the table. 

With a stifled curse Sirius scrabbled around for a foothold before somehow ending up knelt on the table. 

The rope drooped down and Remus waved his wand, slicing it into two pathetic little pieces. "You pathetic, pathetic little man!" the werewolf shouted, feeling his patience not so subtly fading away. 

Sirius massaged his neck and gazed mournfully down at his friend. "You came to save me?" he asked, his eyes gleaming with sudden hero-worship. 

Remus scowled, spinning around to fold his arms across his chest. "I didn't come to save you, Sirius Black can rot in hell for all I care. I did it for Harry- no matter what you do- the boy loves you. If you die then he probably will shortly after. 

YOU INSENSITIVE BASTARD!" 

The lycanthrope took a deep breath, surprised in spite of himself at the burst of anger. He could only remember two occasions when he had truly lost his cool, and this had been one of them. "Pull yourself together, Black," he spat. 

"Moony, I love you," Sirius murmured. "You know I do… why won't you admit that you love me too?" 

"Because I _don't_!" Lupin sighed as he saw tears starting to form in Sirius' eyes. "I'm sorry for all that ever happened- truly I am… Voldemort, Lily and James, Azkaban, Peter. I'm sorry. But shagging me senseless every night under the pretence that you love me, won't help it." 

"It might," a glimmer of the former Sirius was back as he sat cross-legged with a surly expression on his face. "It might help you get over your stupid infatuation with a seventeen-year-old!" 

Remus stepped back, shocked by the biting comment. "Harry has already done more for me, then you ever have in the past twenty-odd years." 

"Well it was slightly hard for me, wasn't it?" Sirius spat back. "Azkaban isn't the most convenient of places at the best of times. And it's hard to comfort a man who hides away at the first sign of things getting nasty." 

"I ran away because I knew I wasn't welcome! You had already branded _me _the Death Eater. There was no use in trying to persuade you otherwise." 

"You could have told us, Moony. You could have told us where you went in secret every night, but no, you had to remain as dammed closed up then as you are now! But no, you had to remain as damn secretive as you could." Sirius thumped his fist down onto the table, his face pale and sickly in the moonlight. 

"I was trying to earn my measly keep, not that any of you would understand." Remus felt tears pricking in the corner of his eyes, but he didn't care. They were both beyond trying to keep any dignity as they roared at each other, trying to place blame. 

"We offered you money plenty of time." 

"I'd prefer to have some self-respect, thank you." 

"Well what was so awful about the place that you worked at, that you couldn't tell us about"- Sirius gasped in realisation. "It wasn't a brothel was it?" 

Remus flushed hot pink. "Definitely not." It wasn't far off; it was a seedy club that had a brothel underground. He had worked strictly in the club, blushing every time a drunken patron groped him. 

"That's beside the point, anyway," he growled. "You," he stabbed his finger into Sirius' chest to reinforce the point. "Stop drinking, grow up and maybe at the end of it all, you might have a godson to return to. But at this rate you won't at all." 

The werewolf's lip curled and he left the cottage after a swift spell that set the rope around Sirius' neck, alight. The man slumped further onto the table, ignorant of the burning pain as a result of the drunken haze. 

_~_

He stumbled into the house as if it was he who had just consumed several bottles of alcohol, enough to blind an unseasoned drinker. He flung his wand onto the messy sofa as if disgusted with magic. 

It was all so unfair. One swish of the little piece of wood could kill someone; render you paralysed, blind, deaf or with any medical complaint that you wished. Why then, couldn't it alleviate pain?

Remus heard himself snorting softly at his thoughts. Magic _could _alleviate pain- but only physical. Rarely mental. 

All magic could do to mend the anguish of a tortured soul, was to send into a numbed sense of ignorance. Perhaps that was what he wanted. He could while away the rest of his meaningless days in a padded cell, clutching to the pleasant dreams that the doctors prescribed him. 

That sounded so much better than the turmoil Remus found himself in now. 

With a pathetic little hiccup, he wandered from room to room, uncertain what to do with himself. Finally he met a closed door and with shaking hands he opened it. 

The relative lightness of the summer night filled the bedroom. Remus could see with his enhanced vision, Harry's calm face, as he lay, oblivious to all that had happened. 

If only that was the way that everyone could be. Childlike- uninformed until a kindly adult told them of the situation. Truly, ignorance is bliss. 

He wanted to break down so much. To roll himself in a ball, rocking back and forth, sobbing until morning rose with its comforting glow. Like a child frightened of the darkness, screwing their eyes up so that they wouldn't see the demons that stalked them. 

But he couldn't. He knew he couldn't. Now he had to be strong, for Harry's sake. 

Gently he shook the boy awake. Smoothing back the black strands of hair he stared into the emerald eyes. "Harry, I've something to tell you." 

He watched as the wizard's lower lip trembled before he swallowed. "What is it, Remus?" Harry asked, gripping the older man's hand tightly. 

"I managed to get there before it happened and stop it- but Sirius tried to commit suicide tonight." 

All the rosiness disappeared from his cheeks and his lips parted as if he was struggling for words. None came. Harry flung his arms around Remus' waist, burying his head into the man's chest. 

They sat in silence for a while, Remus curling himself against Harry, his head bent down to the youth's shoulder and his arms wrapped around him. Gently they rocked back and forth before there was a great gasp of pain and he wept. 

Harry cried; the mournful sound muffled by Remus' clothes. He inhaled, great, thirsty breaths as he did so. Shuddering and sniffling he finally calmed and pulled away from the embrace. 

"Oh, Remus," he murmured, his voice still thick with emotion. Harry reached up a hand to cup the lycanthrope's jaw and with his thumb he stroked a pale cheek. "You're so brave." 

Then Harry pulled them both down onto the pillows, two hands still clutching at each other. "Sleep, you look terrible." He slid one arm around his former-Professor's slender hips and the other he rested in his hair. 

Remus drifted off and when dark dreams haunted his slumber, Harry placed a kiss on the man's forehead, hoping that it would soothe them. It did not do much to stop the encroaching darkness from his mind, but the tenderness was exquisite. 

_  
_ 


	9. If I Bang On The Wall Will You Hear Me?

**Yet again I apologise for my lateness in updating- I almost forgot I had this running until a couple of days ago. So sorry, thanks to all the reviewers- you are all brilliant.  I was hoping for _some _reviews- but the reception this has had has been heart-warming. **

_"And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover…_

_I am determined to prove a villain." _

**Richard III**, William Shakespeare.

**T**hey both awoke in the early hours of day when the sun is just tickling its rays over the high hills and mountaintops, to the sound of banging and cursing. 

Still clutching each other, the pair stared one another in the eye, a single word on their lips. "Sirius." Remus was the first to break the silence with the name. 

Harry scowled stubbornly. "He can't see us, Remus. We ought to just let him bang around for a bit. He'll get bored after a while." 

The cottage had good wards on it; it would take a far more powerful wizard than the drunken Sirius to break them. "I cannot understand the man," the werewolf growled, rolling out of bed despite Harry's pleading. 

"First he is in the mood for killing himself, then he settles for banging on our door at whatever ungodly hour it is! Perhaps I should have let him fall…" Remus trailed off, leaning against the dresser, and raking his fingers through his hair. 

"Don't say something like that," Harry hushed him, rushing to the man's side and clasping his hands. "Sirius is unbearable at the moment, but he's still your best friend." 

"I'm beginning to wonder whether its not just the alcohol- whether he is truly insane," Remus mused, a thoughtful expression on his tired features. "I wonder if St Mungo's might have him…" 

"You told me yourself that it would do him no good!" Harry cried, annoyed by the defeatist tone in Lupin's voice. 

"Did I? Oh, I don't remember that. Well they do have wards for the magically insane… we could just say that this was the effect of… um…" 

The werewolf flung his hands down as the banging drew closer. "I can't think like this!" 

"Shush," Harry murmured, grasping both hands in his before wrapping Remus in his arms once more. "You need to relax. I think I'm the only one that sees that you're going to have a nervous breakdown if you continue like this." 

Remus nodded, his head jittery. "I've got to do this though; make him see that it's pointless to carry on like this. Come with me, will you?" he groped frantically for a pale hand in the semi-darkness. 

Harry nodded and followed the man into the hallway, pausing to snatch a coat. Remus didn't need one; he was still dressed from the daytime and was warm enough. 

They quietly opened the door, padding out onto the veranda. Somewhere behind them was a wild yell and then a resounding thud. "Who put an effing wall there?" Sirius growled at no one in particular. 

Harry glanced upwards to study his Professor's face. It was pale but calm, as it had been the night of the Shrieking Shack. He squeezed Remus' hand and earned a distracted smile. 

They stared into the sudden silence, listening carefully for any sound of Sirius then there was another wild yell and the man ran in front of them. His hair was in disarray and his clothes looked as though they had been thrown on him. 

"Oh sorry, did I disturb the lovers?" he asked mockingly, sarcasm dripping from his words. 

"Yes, you did disturb us," Remus replied, deceptively cool. "Would you mind going back to your home and leaving us in peace." 

Sirius snorted, crossing his arms. "Is that it, Moony? Where's the condescending speech about morals and all that goodness _bullshit_? Eh, where's the 'that was wrong Sirius', and puppy dog eyes?" 

"I don't know, Padfoot. Where are they?" his voice was annoyingly calm. 

Sirius tore at his hair, dancing from foot to the other, his bare feet springing on the damp grass. "There's no Padfoot any more!" he bellowed. 

"Yes there is… you've just got to find him." Harry was slightly scared by the blankness of Remus' demeanour, and confused by the affection that still shone in his eyes. 

"There. Is. No. Padfoot." 

"Yes there is; there's always Padfoot." Now the werewolf's tone was cajoling, slightly patronising in its insistence. "There's still a Moony, so there's still a Padfoot." 

"Yeah, there's still Moony. He was that pathetic little runt that went off sleeping with people he shouldn't know that well"-

"It's just the drink talking. You don't think that." 

"Yes I do, but Remmie. Please… believe me- I still love you. I could forget all of that stuff and we could start afresh- just the two of us." 

Harry felt his mind burning as he silently screamed at Sirius, but he forced himself to stand stock-still and just support Remus. The Order member's cheeks were flushed a pale pink with indignation although he listened as Sirius continued. 

"I don't care what people say about you, Remus. You're a slut, yes, but you're _my _slut. Me and James hated you for sleeping with Lucius, but I always stood up for you"- 

"No you didn't," Remus bit in frostily. "You never stood up for me. It was never in your nature, Black, to ever stand up for anyone apart from James. You publicly disowned me… don't you remember?" 

Remus glared at Sirius, as if trying to summon the memories into the other man's head. It did not seem to work and the drunken wizard just shrugged. "No." 

He gave a snort, scuffing the ground with his foot, before glaring upwards. "Go home, Sirius. You're drunk and you're acting stupidly." 

"I'm not going back without you!" and with that Sirius lunged forward drunkenly, grabbing onto Remus' arm and tugging him backwards. At the same time Harry leapt forward, holding onto the other. 

_~ Interlude 2, or Help Your Fallen Angel ~_

I _hate _you. I hate you. I hate you, so **much**. How long have I KNOWN you? And how _long _has he known you? 

All of _FIVE _years or however many since 1993… 

I've known you **since **you were little more than 12. Twelve. Zwölf. Douze. Doce. 

By RIGHTS you're mine. You _always _**will **be. I was the first boy you ever kissed. I'm the one that gave up a good two months of HIS life to find out how to become an _animagus. _

**What have **you **ever done? **

Held him while he _cried _about how awful big-bad-SIRIUS was? 

_I want to _**hate **_you so much. So much that I feel like _a big cleaver **has **slashed right through my heart and soul. I want to place my FAULTS and FAILINGS on your blue-eyed problems. 

I want to _hit _you and _hit _you until blood runs down your face like **tears**, I want to grab you by the _hair _and shake you – SHAKE YOU! – until all that's left is your hair in my _hands. _

_I _want to punish you. Bent you over my _knee _and spank you like the naughty little **puppy **that you are. I want to slap you so hard that my handprint is marked on your _pale, pale skin. _

And then I want to kiss. I want to kiss- so much- kiss your tears away until all that you can see is **me**. **Me. I should be the one to hold you in the dark of the night when the **demons **gather around your snowy body. **

Why can't you see this? You waste your _time _with him?

He doesn't deserve you. He is **pure **like any child is. I am tainted – YOUR FALLEN ANGEL – save me before I _fall _like Lucifer. 

"And when he falls, he falls like Lucifer/ Never to hope again." 

Henry VIII. **Harry **wouldn't _know _that

**Resurrect **me. Raise me up on your PALE hands and offer me to the Almighty Jury in the Sky. No one else can save me- _won't _**YOU? **

**We are the same, me and you. **No one else. Not even your other fallen angel – Lucius (so similar, so very similar to Lucifer) – truly understands you like I do. 

THROUGH hardship **comes **wisdom. Then I must be the _wisest _man alive. 

My saving **grace**, help me now before it is too late. None can hear my pleas but you. 

_~_

A cool voice rang through the night air, disturbing the three as they pulled and tugged. "That's enough, children." 

There was one voice in the world that Sirius would never disagree with and luckily for the other two, it was the person speaking. With a disgruntled noise he dropped Remus' wrist and folded his arms. 

Harry looked up to see the impressive sight of Dumbledore hovering a couple of metres in the air. The old wizard was attired in a brocaded dressing gown with a bed cap placed jauntily on his silver hair. "By Merlin, how did you get here?" he whispered. 

Dumbledore looked down at his student with a disappointed mien. There was no twinkle in his periwinkle eyes. "I think I've had enough of your games, Remus, Sirius." 

He slowly and severely looked between the two. "Both of you go to bed. Remus go back into the cottage and Sirius… you can return to Grimmauld Place (the password hasn't been changed)." 

Harry turned as if to follow Remus in but a ghostly hand stopped on his shoulder. "Stay with me, Mr Potter, I'd like to speak with you for a while, if that is all right." 

Glumly he nodded his head was superfluous, knowing that he wouldn't have any chance. There was a loud pop and he left alone with the pearly Dumbledore. After a few moments the wizard nodded his head. "Walk with me." 

Harry trailed behind Dumbledore as they walked into a field, lit only by the moon and the stars, although the headmaster's body did glow slightly. "You've had a very busy week, I gather." 

He didn't answer. 

"I cherish Remus very much almost like a nephew it could be said; however even I acknowledge the dangerousness of him"-

"He is no more dangerous than you or I!" Harry burst out. 

"Yes he is, now be quiet and let me carry on. Remus is a werewolf; you must never forget that. You don't know him as well as I do, he's an extremely complicated person. You haven't seen all sides of him yet." 

"I have seen what I want to see, and that's all I care about." 

Dumbledore gave a soft sigh. "I know that you nearly slept with him, Mr Potter, there's no use in hiding that to me."

Harry just gaped at him before kicking a tuft of grass savagely. "I appreciate that for the rest of my life, all you people want to do is hide me away from the Big Bad World, but this is different stuff!" 

The headmaster raised one eyebrow. "In what way is it different?" 

"No matter what you hypocrites say about him, I _know _Remus would never ever harm me. Its not like he's going to turn into fricking Lord Voldemort any moment soon! He treats me like an adult; which is more than you lot ever did." 

"Harry Potter, all we have done for you is try to protect you from the Dark Lord"-

"If protect means smother and make sure that I don't have anything that remotely resembles a _life_!" Harry's voice rose higher, gaining a slightly wild sound to it. "Then, yeah, well done Albus. You've succeeded." 

He spun around on his heel. "I'm bored of this walk, I'm going back home." 

He started walking, his eyes fixed firmly on the cottage to try and ignore the burning sensation in the green orbs. "Harry Potter, at the moment I'm the closest thing you have to a guardian, listen to me- you're going to the Burrow tomorrow morning. Pack your things."

"You're the closest thing to a guardian?" Harry repeated, his eyebrows retreating up his forehead. "And when did you _ever _get above my drunken Godfather or the werewolf?" 

Dumbledore's face fell in disappointment and hurt. "At his current state, Sirius is more likely to abuse you than help you, and Remus… I'm not sure what to think about Remus any more." 

"What do you mean?" Harry asked sharply, his tone cold and dismissive. 

"Sirius is driving Remus half-mad. I think the stress is getting to him more than anyone could imagine. Why else would he willingly sleep with Sirius when he was drunk?" 

"I don't know, and it's none of your business anyway. Just bugger off and leave _us _alone. I'll see you at the beginning of term." Harry spun around one more and his thin frame soon disappeared from sight. 

Dumbledore sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. It hadn't worked out as well as he would have hoped it would.

_~_

Harry staggered back into the house, feeling as though his limbs had been frozen and then bandaged over. With a mournful sigh he dropped onto the bed and lay for a moment, spread-eagled. 

"You've got to leave haven't you?" 

The words hung in the air, Remus' husky voice echoing around Harry's ears. He nodded then noticed that the man would not see it in his position hidden under the duvet. 

Finally he worked his mouth into action. "Yes," and his words came out hoarse. 

"This morning?" Harry felt a stabbing pain in his breast at the sorrowful tone in Lupin's voice. 

Again he nodded, feeling unable to speak without embarrassing himself. He allowed himself to be pulled down the pillows and underneath the duvet where he lay in Remus' embrace. 

The cover flopped over both of their heads as they clutched to each other with the desperate hold of a man drowning. Harry stared into Remus' large eyes, they being the only feature he could make out in the darkness. 

And they stared… 

Minutes passed before the need to breath fresh oxygen drove them out of their duvet retreat. Pushing it away with one hand each (the other still holding onto any available limb). 

Remus bent back to switch on the bedside lamp and then settled back down onto the pillow, one comforting arm slung over Harry's hip, the other reached up to brush away a strand of hair. 

The werewolf's cheeks were flushed a healthy pink and his lips were darkened in the glowing light. He swallowed deeply, his tongue darting out to moisten his lips. 

Harry watched the action with the intent of a predator. "I would defy a thousand Dumbledores if it meant staying here," he murmured suddenly, his words poetic to Remus' ears. 

"I know," Remus muttered back, his eyes suddenly over bright. To hide the tears he leant forward and kissed Harry's brow. His lips lingered on the skin as he sniffed then he pulled away. "What about a thousand Snapes?" 

The Boy-Who-Lived chuckled. "That's a hard task for even the most patient of Saints, love." 

The endearment rolled off his tongue without him noticing. All he realised was the slight widening of Remus' eyes then he was grasped in a bone-bruising embrace. 

The lycanthropes' lips were on his and he submitted, with a numb sense of joy, to the hands that roamed his body. Gasping for breath their lips parted. 

"To hell with morals," were Remus' only words as he started to undress the nubile youth that lay atop of him. 

_~_


	10. Look In My GirlMascara Eyes

_"There's lovers in the backseat/ Jealous glances now I'm looking for another song/ On the radio/ I'll take you to a side street/ In the shadows you can touch one another now/ And I'll just watch the show." _

**Lovers in the Backseat**_, _Scissor Sisters

They dressed in silence, almost unable to meet each other's eyes. They ate breakfast in silence and then the time came when there was the noisy scramble of feet in the living room. 

"Harry?" 

And a few moments later another one. "Harry?" Then a final soft thud and answering laughter. "Professor Lupin, Harry?" 

Remus picked up the holdall, resting it on the table for a moment as he peeked out into the living room. "Arthur, Ron and Hermione are all waiting for you." 

Harry nodded, feeling a leaden weight drop inside him. He felt equally bad when he realised that he should be joyful at the prospect of staying with his friends for the remaining weeks of the holiday. 

He started to turn, making his way towards the half-open door. A sudden and fearsome force spun him around, slamming his back into the wall and they kissed. 

They kissed as though the world was about to end. Then Remus pulled away, his eyes wide and guilty.

"Harry, come back at half-term," Remus panted, pausing to quickly nip at the boy's neck. "Please don't leave me for long… I'm a jealous man." 

Harry grasped onto either side of the werewolf's head, pulling him backwards before firmly kissing him on the lips. "I promise to come back. Look after Sirius for me, will you?"

Remus didn't bother to listen as sounds of greeting and excitement filled the room next door. Instead he slumped onto a chair, holding his head in his hands. 

There was laughter then after a few moments silence reigned once more. 

_~_

Ron frowned at Harry, his freckly brow wrinkled in silence concentration. "You took ages to say goodbye to Lupin," he finally said. 

Harry was unsure of how to answer and he felt a sly blush rising in his cheeks. "I was _just _saying goodbye. There's no need to make it sound so nefarious."  

Hermione nudged Ron in the ribs with a skinny elbow. "Play nicely boys," she said with a laugh. She settled her skirt about her as she sat cross-legged on Percy's empty bed. 

Harry forced himself to smile. "Did you have a nice holiday, 'Mione?" he asked, eager to break the awkward silence that had sprung up. 

She nodded absently. "Mum took me to a muggle hairdressers and they straightened my hair for me. I swear its like magic." She anxiously fluffed out her recently cut hair. 

It hung onto her shoulders in a straight and sleek style that Harry remembered form the Yule Ball. He withered beneath her sharp gaze and nodded. "It looks really pretty on you." 

There was something about the way Hermione had said it that made him uncertain. There was something in her tone of voice that reminded him of Cho and Ginny at the same time. 

Could it be? Harry smothered a small gasp and forced his gaze away from the matured girl sat in front of him. _Did Hermione like him? _

He caught a quick glance that went between her and Ron and he frowned. _Did Ron know about it too? _

There wasn't a chance in hell of Hermione ever being in his list of attractive people. Sure she was pretty in an English rose sort of way but he preferred something a bit different. 

The fullness of Remus' lips, the sharp angles of his face and the exotic shape of his large eyes. The whispering huskiness of his voice and the hesitant tenderness of his touch. 

Harry didn't consider himself gay. He had never _ever _been attracted to any of the boys at school and as a rule girls were the gender that he lusted the most over. Usually he desired after their curving shapes, but in Remus he felt none of that.

It was as though Remus transcended sexuality for him. All he knew in the werewolf's presence was that he greatly craved the touch of flesh-on-flesh. He wasn't maudlin enough to convince himself that it was true love. 

Maybe. Perhaps. 

"Earth to Harry?" a rude hand tapped him on the head, disturbing his thoughts. 

"Mooning over someone?" Ron laughed, ignoring Hermione's fierce blushing. 

Harry forced himself to laugh, plastering a fake smile onto his face. "Mooning over Moony," he revealed, hoping that they wouldn't pick up on the truth in his words. 

He expected at worst, a laugh in response. All there was, was a cold silence. Hermione suddenly got to her feet, mumbling an excuse and fleeing the room. 

"Fuck," Harry grumbled, putting his head in his hands. "I always mess up when it comes to Hermione." 

Ron just nodded. "That was cruel, Harry. 'Mione's liked you for _ages_. Don't go and say something like that, it'll break her heart." 

And then he left the room, obviously searching for the errant girl. 

**~**

Bizarrely he found her first. It was quite by accident. 

He had wandered out of the suffocating busyness of the Burrow and into the garden. He sprawled out on a patch of yellowing grass when he heard a soft yelp. 

"'Mione?" he called, hands reaching forward like a blind man. His fingers grasped onto the silky material of an Invisibility Cloak and he tugged it off, revealing the young witch.

"Mione," he repeated, pulling her into his arms. She was stiff in his embrace, biting her lip in anxious silence. Then she collapsed, sobbing into Harry's hair. 

"I'm sorry, Harry. I told myself that I wouldn't start crying." She pulled away, organising her straightened hair and wiping beneath her mascara-smudged eyes. 

"I'm sorry, 'Mione. Ron told me." 

She nodded, front teeth digging into her lower lip without her noticing it. "But you don't like me do you?" her voice wasn't much more than a whisper. 

Harry shook his head slowly, trying to meet her brown eyes, but struggling. He felt unworthy of her affections. "'Mione, you don't want to love someone like me… I'm just trouble."

Her responding laugh felt like salt rubbed into fresh wounds. "You flatter yourself mightily, Mr Potter. Love? Pah." Hermoine flashed him a carefree grin that failed to belie the disappointment in her eyes. 

Suddenly her face turned sober, and she leant forward to clutch Harry's hands. "Harry, tell me this one thing, then we can leave this subject.

Did you sleep with Remus Lupin?" 

Harry swallowed, at the present moment he would have preferred any number of personal or embarrassing questions. He would have told Hermione in the blink of an eye how many times he had masturbated per week, but he couldn't tell her something like that.

Yes, he had sex with Remus. Yes, he had lost his virginity to the ageing werewolf who had at one time been his Professor. Would he tell Hermione? No. 

No matter how much he trusted his friends, secrets could never remain secrets in the close-confines of Hogwarts. Within the year the truth would be out and Harry would never live down the humiliation. 

Already he could hear the mocking whispers of Draco as he passed Malfoy in the hallway. Word might even spread to the proper authorities. Was what had happened that night even legal? 

For Remus' sake their relationship (if that was what it was) could not become part of public discussion. 

"No." 

Hermione's brown eyes brightened considerably and she leant forward, pulling Harry into a fierce hug. "I knew you weren't stupid enough to do that, but George and Fred kept on coming up with these weird theories about the two of you alone in the house…." 

Harry forced a smile onto his face, ignoring the bile that rose in his throat. "Me? Shagging Lupin? You must be joking." 

_~_

_You lucky – or maybe not so- people are getting three updates in the space of two days, due to my current bad mood. I hope you enjoyed this chapter- I really don't like it… I find Hermione and Ron especially hard to write. But it's a change from the norm of Remus+Harry makeout and Sirius drunken ramblings. And _**AffectedMangoO **_don't worry- Remus isn't the bad guy, this fic doesn't really have one of those. Heck, even Snape's quite nice in the end._


	11. Look In My Tired Eyes Love Me

_~_

_"In flagrante delicto."_

Literally in Latin, **the heat of the crime**

He'd only talked to him once. It had been the day after Harry had left the cottage for the Weasley's busy home. It had been a brief conversation through the Floo network. 

Harry's green eyes were pleading with him silently, begging for him to devise some grand scheme to come and rescue him. How bizarre, after a couple of weeks spent with a sex-starved werewolf and a drunken godfather, you would have thought the wizard would want solace in the company of his relatively sane friends. 

There was no post-coital awkwardness between them and Remus had sat for a while watching Harry as he kept on trying to reach through the flames and to the man on the other side. 

And so when Molly Weasley had asked the shy Professor-type over for tea one night, he had leapt at the chance to see his one-time lover for the final time before he would flee to Hogwarts. 

He was stood in front of the fireplace, butterflies in his stomach. He darted back to the mirror for what must have been the third time that evening, smoothing down his hair and frowning at his reflection. 

Remus felt a desperate urge within him to make himself look good for Harry. He wanted to cut his hair to a more reasonable length than the curling waves that ended just below his chin. 

He wanted to stop the sweating on his forehead and upper lip. He wanted to wave his hand and look at the mirror at someone else. 

Fashionable, trendy. Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived's beau. Not the dowdy, conservative lycanthropic Professor figure who was always sensible and reliable. 

A wave of self-hatred swept over him and Remus just about managed to stop the fist that threatened to punch forward. 

"Fucking hell," he muttered, inspecting the purpling shadows underneath his eyes. "What does Harry see in me?" 

He was nothing interesting. He was too skinny, slightly girlish in features. He wasn't a great conversationalist, preferring silence to the busy noise of a crowd. The werewolf frowned at himself, tugging at his hair so sharply that he felt a shoot of pain on his scalp. 

He couldn't even understand Sirius' manic attraction to him. Feeling depression swamp over him he placed both hands on the mirror, vaguely noticing the sweaty hand shapes left on them. 

Resting his burning forehead against the cool metal he stared into oddly coloured brown eyes. __

_Slut. _

The words echoed around his ears, deafening him as a whirlwind of Sirius' insults swirled before him. Clapping his hands over the side of his head he dropped to the ground. 

He buried his head in his knees, feeling sick to the core of his soul. _Whore. _

_~_

"Harry, dear, call in at Lupin's, will you?" Molly's motherly voice rang through the house with the ease of year's practice. "He's nearly half an hour late." 

"That's not like him," he murmured, stepping into the fireplace, clutching the green powder in his right hand. 

A moment later he bowed his head as he stepped out onto carpeted floor in front of the fireplace. "Moony?" he called. 

A small noise alerted his attention and Harry spun around, noticing a small figure hidden in a corner by the mirror. With a couple of strides he'd covered the distance and crouched in front of Remus. 

The man was curled in a ball on his side, his face was flushed, his eyes overly shiny and his breath came in short puffs as if he had just run a marathon. Upon seeing Harry the shortness of breath increased. 

Clutching at his throat Remus made a strange mixture of noises, gagging and choking coupled with a hacking cough. 

Harry felt the overwhelming pressure of panic press down on him and he quickly assessed the lycanthrope for any injuries. "Sit up, please," he pushed Remus up so that his back rested against the wall. 

"Deep breaths, I'll just get you some water." 

Dithering he finally sprinted into the kitchen, clumsily nervous fingers jittery as they filled a glass with water. After spilling most of it over the oatmeal carpet, he dropped to his knees in front of Remus. 

"Drink this," Harry cried, resting the glass against flushed and cracked lips. He tipped the water into Remus' mouth despite the mewling sounds of protest. 

He watched as Lupin swallowed then threw himself to the side as the former-Professor got onto all fours, retching. Horrified, all Harry could do was move his hands in soothing circles on Remus' back. 

He retched and retched, nothing come out apart from some water. Mingled with the rasping sound of gagging were hoarse sobs. 

After a while Remus pulled back, wiping at his mouth and sitting on his haunches. 

"Fuck," Harry found himself muttering as he dabbed at Remus' mouth with his sleeve. He stared into bloodshot eyes, disconcerted by the red spots that were starting to appear below his eyebrows. 

"Come on, you're going to bed," Harry said, trying to pulling him to his feet. It was to no avail; the man although frail was too heavy. It helped when Remus fainted after a moment. 

Borrowing the use of the wizard's wand, he levitated the body into the bedroom then laid him onto the bed. Feeling strangely calm, the student stripped Lupin of all but his underpants and socks. 

Then he laid him underneath the covers just as amber eyes fluttered open. "What happened?" 

Harry perched on the edge of the bed, smoothing away the damp tendrils of hair that gathered on Remus' brow. "You were having trouble breathing then you started retching, love." 

Again the endearment that never failed to send a little thrill of pleasure through the werewolf's tired body. He smiled a little before resting his eyes. Instead of the lust that had filled him before at hearing Harry's mellifluous voice saying that one word, he felt great calm.

"Are you staying with me?" he asked, annoyed by the pathetic tone that crept in with the question. 

"Molly told me to come and fetch you for dinner, but you're not going anywhere, Mister." Harry smiled down at his patient. "Stuff Dumbledore, I'm staying here until I'm sure you're okay." 

"I was just looking in the mirror"-

"That awful, eh?" Harry regretted the words as soon as they had left his mouth as Remus blanched considerably, slowly edging his body away from the boy's. "No, please. Carry on." 

He placed what he hoped was a comforting pat on Remus' thigh. 

"I just started to panic… I don't remember much else." 

"I think you've just been under too much stress, with too little food, love." Harry kissed Remus' brow. "Now get some sleep, I'll just tell Molly what happened then I'll be straight back." 

"Promise?" 

"Promise." Harry kissed his fingers then placed them on a pair of flushed lips before leaving the room. 

_~_

When he woke again it was night-time, the day's turmoil only a vague memory. Remus sat up quickly, his keen eyesight making out a shape in the corner of the room. 

Flicking on the bedside lamp he smiled gently at Harry. The boy was fast asleep, his head drooping on his chest as he dozed in the wicker chair. 

It was an uncomfortably hot evening and he was thankful for his lack of clothing. Pushing the covers away he made his way towards Harry, stumbling occasionally on wobbly legs. 

"Harry?" Remus murmured, pressing a kiss onto his forehead. 

The Boy-Who-Lived didn't stir and Remus smiled again at him, feeling his heart beat increasing as he watched Harry sleeping. By Merlin, he was _so _beautiful. 

His pale cheeks were flushed with pink and there was a thin film of sweat on his face. Remus ran his thumb gently down the side of Harry's face then retracted to sniff the digit. 

He couldn't describe the scent, but it was something that filled him with desire. 

_Salt, youth, danger, lust._

In his mind's eye several _very _vivid images flashed through, almost disturbing in their clarity. He felt himself blush with yearning and he pressed his lips against Harry's throat, gently sucking and nipping. 

The first signal that the boy was awake was a silky moan and the tightening of fingers in his hair. Harry pulled him down into a bruising kiss, his emerald eyes open and flashing. 

After a while Remus pulled away from lack of breath, smiling at Harry's pouting lips. "Patience," he murmured down at his lover, trying to regulate his breathing. He entwined his fingers in the jet strands of hair and levered Harry to his feet. 

They staggered backwards like this, clutching at each other desperately as though every second spent with the other was to be their last. 

Lips tearing at skin. Fingers brushing aside clothing until they dissolved upon the clean sheets in a pile of pale limbs. Remus propped himself up on his elbows, staring down at Harry. "Are you sure you want this?" 

Harry bobbed his head quickly, his eyes sinfully suggestive in the way that they roamed Remus' body. His lips quirked up into a smile. "Of course I do, I'd be bleeding stupid to refuse you." 

The werewolf frowned slightly, his former doubts invading his mind once more. "Harry, why do you want to sleep with me?" he asked. 

The boy looked slightly insulted at the question. "Isn't that obvious?" he replied. 

"No." 

Harry stroked his fingers through the grey locks that hung down to tickle his cheeks. His eyes were so serious, so very serious that Remus was struck by how quickly the Boy-Who-Lived had matured. 

They were both alike. They had been robbed of a childhood. Remus because of his lycanthropy had grown up without the naivety of youth, Harry because of the constant threat hanging over his shoulders. 

"I'm attracted to you, and," Harry paused, his lips placing tender kisses over the older man's face. "You need someone to keep you sane." 

Remus seemed somewhat placated by the response and nudged Harry's lips open for another passionate kiss. "Y-you don't love me, do you?" 

His lover gave a small chuckle. "It's a bit sudden to say that, Remus. I'm not exactly experienced in things like that. In time, maybe…" 

"I'm just hassle." Remus tried to concentrate on his words; he felt a burning ache within him to warn Harry from getting too involved. It was hard though, when a devious hand was exploring his naked body. 

"I don't care," the boy said, his voice thick with desire. 

"I'm not worthy of you"-

"Don't say that." 

"You shouldn't be here- Dumbledore told you to stay with the Weasleys." 

Harry gave a soft gasp, grasping Remus' face in both hands. "Stop _fucking_ doing this to yourself!" he cried. "What's stopping you from sleeping with me? Morals, sensibilities, ethics?! Or paranoia?" 

"I'll just hurt you. I've got too much emotional baggage." Remus gathered the sheets around the lower half of his body and sat, his legs dangling off the side of the bed. "Go and find a lover who can treat you as well as you ought to be." 

The student rolled out of the bed, standing in front of his reluctant lover, ignoring his blatant nakedness. "You're just afraid. Afraid." 

The lycanthrope's amber eyes glinted with something akin to anger. "What am I afraid of?" his voice was defeated. 

Harry put his hands on his hips, his eyes brooking no argument. "You're afraid that someone else will screw you over like Sirius did. You're afraid that I'll sleep with you, then leave you until the next night." 

Remus hung his head, unable to look Harry in the eyes. There was truth in the boy's words; he was unable to deny it. There was a part of him that knew that to all of his partners, he was never anything more than something to shag. 

There had been no tenderness with Lucius, or Sirius. And despite Sirius' loud proclamations of love, Remus couldn't see that there would be any truth in the alcoholic's words. 

And then there was Harry… for the first time he'd actually felt _something. _Something more than just lust or desire. But the next morning he was gone, leaving Remus on his own again. 

"Fuck it, Lupin. Take a chance for once in your life, will you? Trust me. I'll try my dammed hardest not to ruin everything." 

Remus couldn't concentrate on his morals while Harry was stood in front of him like that, glorious with his ivory skin and full lips. 

"I might live to regret this, but okay," he could hardly speak for the desire pumping through him. With those words he flung Harry onto the mattress and promptly began to ravish him. 

_~_

"I thought you'd left me," Harry purred playfully, as he strolled into the kitchen, clad only in the lycanthrope's dressing gown. He slipped his arms around his lover's waist and rested his chin on Remus' shoulder. 

Remus turned around in the embrace, smoothing back Harry's fringe to kiss his forehead. "'Course I wasn't. I was making some breakfast, after last night I've worked up such an appetite you wouldn't believe." 

"What are you making me? Strawberries and clotted cream?" 

The former-Professor laughed, catching his beau's lips in a deep kiss. "You'd be lucky if you get cornflakes," he replied. 

Harry smiled, glad that Remus seemed to be more like his normal self that morning. He pouted. "You really know how to turn a guy off, don't you?" 

"Nonsense, if you're like any normal boy, then you'll remain perpetually horny all the way through adolescence, strawberries or not. You'll have to make do with me feeding you toast." 

"Are you sure you don't have any strawberries?" Harry persisted. "I'm very disappointed." 

"And you think I'm exuberant because I get to miss out on feeding my lover strawberries and cream?" Lupin countered, raising one eyebrow. 

"Sadist," Harry moaned. Just Remus saying the word 'lover' made him ache with pleasure, but while in context with strawberries and cream, even more so. "You'll have to be punished because you did not realise my needs." 

Remus tried his best to look penitent, hiding his eyes beneath his eyebrows but failed miserably as he was pulled in for another kiss. "Bedroom, now," Harry laughed and they staggered back and onto the bed. 

The toast was left to grow cold on the work surface. 

_~_


	12. Int 2 Watch Him Sleep With Me

_~ Interlude two, or Watching Him Sleep ~_

I watch him as he sleeps, following the movement of his chest as it rises and falls. Feeling the soft breathing on my cheek and hearing the snuffling, contented sounds he makes. 

It is day now, the sunlight filters into the room and I can see every inch of your bare skin. Tinted with light, you glow like a figure in a Renaissance painting. All porcelain skin and luminosity 

Three times I've slept with you, and each time it felt _so _right that with every thrust or kiss I wanted to weep for joy. The first time was when I lost my virginity.

To either of the sexes. 

And it felt so good. You would disagree, but I can see why Malfoy wanted to and why Sirius still wants to, sleep with you. 

You are such a passionate lover. Considerate and infinite in your tenderness, but at the same time so fervent. You are intoxicating, I've had so much of you and now I want more. 

I am still in shock at the emotions that run through my veins as I hold you in my arms. The same voice that once instructed me in how to perform the perfect Patronus, now whispers tantalisingly arousing words in my ear. 

The hands that showed me the right way to swish my wand when I was a lowly third year, now pleasures me beyond belief. 

The taboo of our relationship is so strong that every night spent in decadence with you, fills me with thrills beyond description. Take me again Remus… show me the extent of your animalistic passion. 

Give into temptation and lie with me for the rest of eternity. 

The pillows and the bed sheets will not gossip. 

_~_


	13. Int3 You're My Alchohol My Unlucky

_"Oh sympathy where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on. So tell me where you're going to let me in, I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin." _

**Somewhere only we know, **Keane.

_~ Interlude 3, Remus My Alcohol ~ _

I hardly **drink **any more; only the_ odd _tipple during the day to keep my spirits high_. _Instead I turn to HIM. 

Remus Lupin is _my _alcohol, he fills the voice that depression causes and the bottle cures. When all I can **think **of is the need for alcohol, I turn to memories of him. 

_The sweetness _of our childhood friendship and the bittersweet embraces we so oft share**d**. 

_Hidden behind the curtain of my bed, I didn't have to pretend to be anyone. I wasn't Sirius Black, the most popular boy in school any more. I was just another _lost _cause. _

_I _**knew **_Remus wouldn't laugh if I slipped up, or simper at me to gain my favour. I always knew that I could come to him when the letter from my mother or father came. _

SIRIUS BLACK, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING OF DOING WITH YOUR LIFE? – 

_I would gently tap him, breaking the silence of his study and he would take me by the hand, leading me to my bed. _

- WE HEARD FROM GLADYIS BOTTLEBROOK TODAY (SHE EXAMINED YOU FOR DIVINATION) AND SHE SAID THAT YOUR- 

_He would hold me _**awhile **_as I opened the letter. If the words were sharp and insulting then he would sit in silence with me as I wept. _

- ANSWERS WERE ABYSMALLY BAD. I KNOW THAT DIVINATION IS A POINTLESS STUDY BUT YOU BRING SHAME ON YOUR FAMILY BY NOT TAKING IT SERIOUSLY. 

_Then he would smooth away my tears and would place tender kisses on my face as he talked of the most random things. _

- SMARTEN YOUR ACT UP, OR YOU'LL BE SEND TO DURMSTRUNG FOR THE REST OF YOUR ACADEMIC LIFE. I AM INFORMED THAT THEY ARE SUITABLY STRICTER THAN THAT MUGGLE LOVING FOOL, DUMBLEDORE. 

URSULA BLACK.

_It was then that I _realised _that Remus wasn't ordinary. As he comforted me he would talk. By nature he wasn't the most loquacious of people, but when he did, he talked so beautifully that I could listen to him for _**hours. **

_I laid in his arms, ignoring the fact that no heterosexual boy should ever be _this _close to his male friend, and just listened as he spoke _

_He talked of **Chekhov, **theatre, _politics, _and even the latest gossip that was circulating a**round **Hogwarts. _

But sometimes even those memories are not enough to keep your image _alive _in my mind. I feel disgusted with myself for doing it, but at least it's not the alcohol. I undo my trousers and **allow **my hands to calm the fire between my legs. 

I image your _painter's _hands as I call out your name. 

Remus my **saving grace, my angel. My alcohol. **

**_~_**

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**Two interludes- sorry if you don't particularly like their structure, buts it's a fun little venture to write and I thought it was necessary to pop into Harry and Sirius' mind respectively. I hope you didn't get too confused with the letter in the middle of this interlude…**

**Anyway, thanks to the reviewers. All my thanks are yours. Especially Doneril- you little star. **


	14. Look In My Eyes I Need Him Now

_"Someone to take your life beyond/ Another TV "I love 1999"/ Just one more box of cheapo wine." _

**If you find yourself caught in love, **Belle and Sebastian. 

Dumbledore sat on the battered sofa opposite them, next to him was Molly Weasley. "I'm sorry, but you must go," the ageing wizard muttered. "Molly, will you go with him to pack?" 

Harry glared first at his headmaster then the kindly housewife before dashing out of the room. 

Remus closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose as he listened to the retreat of angry footsteps. "Merlin, Albus, you _do _choose your moments. Don't you?" 

"Do I?" Dumbledore asked mildly. 

"This morning he was the happiest I've seen him since Voldemort's defeat. Your arrival ruined all of that," Remus tried to make himself sound angry, but he could not find it in himself. 

Instead he just felt disappointed and tired. He remembered that just before their arrival, he and Harry had been dancing around the kitchen to the music coming from the battered radio. 

In truth, it was not just Harry that had been so exuberant. Lupin had not felt such lightness of spirit or sheer joy since his childhood. All he wanted to do was grasp Harry by the hands and dance away. 

"I'm sorry, Remus. Truly I am, but Harry would be better off in a stable environment." 

"What are you insinuating?" the werewolf said, his voice icily cold. "As far as I can see, there are three possible things you're talking about. One is that Harry has had a turbulent childhood and should be with a proper family and all that counselling bullshit." 

He heard Dumbledore gasp slightly but ignored it. _Now _he was angry. "The second is that Sirius could jeopardise Harry's safety, which we both know is rubbish. Sirius would not harm a head on the boy's head! He may throw me around, but _never _Harry." 

Remus paused to smile crookedly. "And the third is that you are using my lycanthropy as an excuse should the above two fail to work." 

"No, you have twisted this all out of proportion." Dumbledore's tone was soothing; it might have worked on an irate fifteen-year-old at some point, however it was not working now. "I'm doing this for Harry's sake. 

"His friends miss him, they want to see him"-

"And they will, when its term time"-

"I'm just suggesting that Harry might be better off with the Weasleys." 

"Is that what it is?" Remus asked mockingly. "A suggestion?" 

Dumbledore nodded his head vehemently. "Then, _sir, _if my definitions are correct, I do not have to agree. A suggestion is a proposal or idea that is obviously being _suggested_." 

Albus' periwinkle eyes glinted with something other than their normal friendly twinkle. Remus knew that he had not been argued with like this for many years. "I do not like your tone," he murmured in a decidedly colder tone. 

"How about you leave the mollycoddling to someone who has Harry's best interests at heart; all you've done is smother him from the brutal reality. If you hadn't done that in the first place and admitted to the truth when he asked you the _first time_, then we might not be in the same mess!" 

Remus' voice had risen to nearly a shout, realising this he lowered it. "Harry, will you come in here a moment?" 

The teenager stomped in, the picture of dejection and silent adolescent fury. 

The lycanthrope held out his hand and gently pulled Harry down onto the sofa next to him, absently patting his knee. "I know this is hard, but what do you want? To stay with me for the next week or with Ron and Hermione?" 

Harry was torn. He knew his friends would be upset if he refused them, although Remus would be equally saddened at his departure. And quite frankly he would see Ron and Hermione for the whole of next year; he might not get to see his lover any more. 

"Remus," he answered with a hopeful smile up at his former-Professor. "I want to stay with him," he reiterated. 

"So be it," Dumbledore replied wearily. "Come, Molly, we are not wanted. I will see you next week, Harry." He then left with a loud crack, the Weasley shortly after him, leaving with a final glare at Remus. 

"By Merlin, I'm glad that's over," Lupin muttered, pulling Harry into his arms. And they kissed as though the world was about to end. 

**I don't really like this chapter at all… its not really interesting or vital to the plot, but I feel it must be done. Anywhoo… this is one of the final few updates- thanks for your support and especially to my beta UnderLucius who is a God amongst betas.**


	15. Quote Poetry To Hide My Pain

This was initially part deux of chapter eleven, but it started to annoy me like that, so instead of one normal chapter update, you'll get two shorter ones. Thank you. 

**He wishes for the cloths of heaven,**_ W.B Yeats_**. **

The final day of the holiday dawned with the foulest weather that England could conjure. The oppressive storm clouds failed to help enliven the atmosphere in the small cottage. 

All week they had been growing edgy, snapping at each other for the slightest fault. Remus had been getting letters from Sirius every day since Dumbledore had left the house. 

They were increasingly vivid and passionate as Sirius described all the things he would do to Remus, bringing an unwanted blush to the receiver's cheeks. 

These distressed Harry greatly and every evening he would burn them with Remus' wand. 

They had been to Diagon Alley in the morning, buying the books that Harry needed in stony silence. They met several of his classmates and Remus forced himself to smile as they greeted their former-Professor. 

It was late afternoon when the storm broke; the booming thunder rattled the shutters and wooden door. Amidst the noise Remus detected shouting. 

Alarmed that a hiker might have been caught in the storm, he rushed out to open the door and dash onto the porch. Stood on the pathway, barefoot and soaking wet was Sirius. 

He was fighting the volume of the thunder as he shouted poetry. 

"HAD I THE HEAVENS' EMBROIDERED CLOTHS, 

ENWROUGHT WITH GOLDEN AND SILVER LIGHT, 

THE BLUE AND THE DIM AND THE DARK CLOTHS,"

Had it been anyone else, Remus would have been touched by the sentiment, as it was all he felt was pity. "COME IN!" he bellowed over the din. 

"OF NIGHT AND LIGHT AND THE HALF-LIGHT,

I WOULD SPREAD THE CLOTHS UNDER YOUR FEET; 

BUT I, BEING POOR, HAVE ONLY MY DREAMS;

I HAVE SPREAD MY DREAMS UNDER YOUR FEET;"

Sirius shook his head with dogged determination, his heart set on finishing the stanza. Remus almost laughed as he dashed out in the rain, grabbing his friend by the shoulders and pulling him in. 

They stood on the porch. "_Tread softly because you tread on my dreams_."__

Remus despite his frustration felt tears starting to burn in the corners of his eyes. He dashed them away irritably then clipped Sirius over his damp head. "Silly pup, you'll catch your death out there." 

They rested their foreheads together in an act that Remus remembered from their childhood friendship. "Now you'll catch your death as well," Sirius murmured. 

His eyes were clear and focused. Not blurry in drunkenness. "I'm a changed man, Moony. No more alcohol for me." 

"That's good news," Remus answered. He smiled at his friend who gazed at him with a strange expression on his face. 

"You don't know how long I've wanted to see that," Sirius said hoarsely. He cupped Remus' cheek then let go as if his skin was on fire. "You have a beautiful smile." 

"Are you sure you're not drunk?" the werewolf asked teasingly. 

"I may be depressed, but I'm not drunk," came the gloomy reply. 

"One last time, Moony- will you have me?" 

Remus found himself crying as he slowly shook his head. "I don't think Harry would be too happy!" his laughter mingled with tears and he started to hiccup. 

"Come on now," Sirius said awkwardly, patting his friend's shoulder. "There's no need for you to be crying- that's what I ought to be doing." For a moment there was an angry blaze in his blue eyes as he saw Harry dithering in the doorframe then he shuddered. 

His tall build drooped with resignation. "Goodbye Remus. Have a nice life." He bowed his head slowly, reaching downwards to kiss a pale hand before turning one final time towards the boy. "Sorry Harry, I'm such a shite godfather to you… I never really wanted to involve you in my problems, I didn't want to involve anyone in them really- but it all turned into such a big mess." 

Harry wasn't really sure what was happening, all he could see was that both Remus and Sirius were crying as they embraced. Feeling a wave of misery sweep over him he dashed forward, all clumsy adolescent limbs and threw himself into the midst of the small circle. "I'll miss you," he whispered, hugging his arms around Sirius' waist. "Honest, I will…" 

"I know," the man whispered back, his voice hoarse with tears. "Now, I better be going," he sniffed loudly and visibibly straightened up. And with a cheery and ill disguised wave that Remus recognised from the days when Sirius had to return to Grimmauld Place for the summer, he strode out into the rain.

Remus watched as he made his way out into the middle of the garden. Sirius stood on the wet grass, his dark hair plastered against his skin and a crooked smile on his face. 

For a moment Lupin swore he saw the boy that he knew before the war, before Voldemort – before everything that had screwed him up so much. As lightning struck on the horizon, he saw a flashing image of a handsome youth. 

Clean skinned, with a devilish smile and laughing as though he had not a care in the world. 

Then he disappeared leaving in his place a bitter middle-aged man. A wasted beauty with a sorrowful expression on his tired face. His lips moved three times then he was gone. 

Remus dashed out into the garden, not caring as mud splattered up his trouser legs. He tripped and lay on the wet ground. He considered for a moment moving, but then decided not to. 

He lay, his face resting on the drenched soil and wept. Padfoot and now Sirius were gone. 

__


	16. Int4 Media Epitah

**MAN FOUND DEAD IN MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES,**

By Charles Henderson.

_At four P.M on the afternoon of Saturday the 12th a man was found dead in a small copse just off the road of Hundred Acre Lane, Wivelsfield Green. He was found by a local dog-walker who came across the body. _

_He has been identified as a Mr Sirius Black, an unemployed forty-three year old from London who was in Sussex visiting a friend. _

_It is unsure what he died of, as there were no marks on the body. We will bring you further news after the autopsy has been carried out. _


	17. Don't Stand At My Grave Weeping

__

_"On purpose laid to make the taker mad:_

_Mad in pursuit, and in possession so;_

_Had, having, and in question to have, extreme;_

_A bliss in proof, and proved, a very woe;_

_Before, a joy proposed; behind, a dream._

_All this the world well knows; yet none knows well_

_To shut the heaven that leads men to this hell."_

**Sonnet XIX, **William Shakespeare

He hated it. He hated it so much that all he wanted to do was run to the top of the highest mountain and scream until his lungs were raw.

He wanted to dive through the veil that separated Life and Death, dragging Sirius back just so that he could punch him silly. He wanted to shout and shout at him, telling him that for once in his life could he not be so fucking dramatic?

But he had to calm himself, taking deep shuddering breaths and stilling his rebellious mind. To control his twitching hands he thrust them into the pocket of his rented suit.

By his side Harry placed a soothing hand on his arm. The boy looked too pale in the darkened light of the rainy day. His anaemic face was only emphasised by the redness of his eyes.

Remus knew with a muffled sort of comprehension that he should be comforting Harry. After all, the boy had loved his godfather dearly, despite his problems.

Yet even with this realisation, he could not find the strength to. Didn't he deserve the same succour? He had known Sirius far longer and they had a stronger bond.

In a way, Remus had been the reason that had led to his suicide. 

_Remus, _

_You know this is not a sham, I could see it in your eyes this afternoon. I am sorry to cause you more grievances; I know this year has been hard for you. _

_My problems always seem to be your problems. It does not seem possible for an egotist such as myself, to have a dilemma and solve it personally. But you always seem so wise and experienced. _

_I cannot help but turn to you when I feel overwhelmed. Many a time you have helped me… My parents, my alcoholism, my love life and even my homework! _

_In turn I hope that I have been a source of consolation at some point in your life. I know I was probably not; James was always so much better than me at expressing things subtly. _

_As you once said, I "have the tact of a rhino". However that is beside the point of this letter. _

_I am not entirely sure why I am writing this, or even what I'm actually writing at the moment. I just wanted to try and sort out the jumbling mess in my head. _

_I hope you will not be too angry when I tell you that I have given up all hope. Voldemort is dead; the world is once more a vibrant and free place. He did not go alone though, he took with him the lives of my dearest friends and the souls of those still alive. _

_Even Dumbledore these days is hollow. There is nothing in his eyes- no spark or glimmer that there used to be when he reprimanded us for our pranks. _

_The only thought that kept me going recently was that perhaps you would have me. That every night, willingly, you would invite me into your bed and hold me. When I was drunk this thought was allowed to run rampant and I am sorry for using you to satisfy my lust. _

_Any harm that I caused to you, or Harry, I am sorry for. It will never happen again. _

_I only hope that James, Lily and all our friends will be able to forgive me in the way that you have (if indeed you have). _

_You will receive this owl when I am truly dead. Sirius Black never makes the same mistake twice! _

_Yours forever, in the greatest of debts, _

_S. Black._

The words of the letter ran through Remus' mind like a never-ending whirlpool. He sunk to his knees as they lowered Sirius' coffin into the ground.

The small crowd of people silently moved away from him until only Harry stood behind the werewolf.

Severus Snape hid underneath a muggle umbrella, watching the funeral from the road that ran through the graveyard. He was unsure why he was here. He _hated _the man; in life Sirius had never been more than a melodramatic fool with an undeniable gift for hexes.

Shaking his head slowly, Snape wandered out of the graveyard, a twisted little smile on his lips. "Even from the grave Voldemort still manages to kill in his own way," he murmured, laughing as an old woman virtually ran past him.

Nymphadora Tonks watched the Potions Master hobble along his way, and then she turned back. For today she was a Black, the metamorphagus had decided. Throwing a flower on Sirius' grave she briefly embraced Harry then chased after Snape.

Her black dress flapping against the wind as she sprinted, skidding in front of Snape with a forced smile. "Come on, Prof, lets go and get drunk."

She was rewarded with a sour smile and Severus nodded, steering the young woman in the direction of the nearest pub.

Slowly the mourners made their way out of the raining graveyard and to the relative warmth of Grimmauld Place, until all that was left was Dumbledore, Remus and Harry.

"Remus? Will you come back with us?" the headmaster asked kindly, patting his former student's shoulder.

Harry shook his head slowly as Remus stared at the freshly upturned soil.

Dumbledore nodded, "I'll give you a couple of minutes then I'm going with the others. Someone promised me cucumber sandwiches," he offered a slight smile then backed away.

The Boy-Who-Lived crouched down beside his lover, smoothing back his wet hair and kissing his cheek. "Promise you'll come back to the house as soon as you're finished?"

Lupin shook his head, tears clouding up his vision. "There's so much I have to say to him," he said, his voice breaking with emotion. "So much I have to apologise for," he added quietly.

Harry embraced him swiftly then left with Dumbledore, reconciled with the ageing wizard through Remus' grief. 

The lycanthrope prostrated himself before the grave, his tears mingling with the soil. He did not care that the ground was wet and would soon be muddy.

"I'm sorry."

__

On the evening of the same day, Remus was admitted to St James' Hospital with a raging fever.

Harry had returned to the graveyard nearly four hours later and found his lover sleeping on the grass next to the tombstone. His face and hands were blue with cold, his clothes saturated.

With the help of Snape he managed to return Remus to his cottage and they stripped the werewolf of his clothes, wrapping him in insulated blankets.

An hour later Harry was awoken from his dozing by the sound of thrashing. Remus shivered as he tried to push the blankets away from him, his cheeks were flushed and his lips were dry.

In a panic Harry ignored all possible magical means and phoned for an ambulance.

His fever lasted for one day before he slipped into a comatose state, only stirring to murmur words that Harry could hardly understand.


	18. I Guess This Is A Good Ending

_ Interlude 4, The Final (You're looking well for a dead man) _

_He stirred slowly, feeling uncomfortable on the hard ground. With a yawn he stretched, wincing as his back clicked slightly. Remus brushed a couple of pieces of soil off his cheek and got to his feet. _

_He stared around, keen eyes trying to see phantom shapes in the darkness. It would be stupidity to try and find anything in the impenetrable gloom. _

_He sat on the dusty ground, clutching his knees to his chest and waited. _

_The first rays of light were so subtle that he did not notice the darkness lifting until at last the moon hung in the sky and the land was completely lit. _

_It was not the same milky light that the moon usually issued but the clear brightness of the sun. Shaking his head slowly, Remus got up and looked around him once more. _

_He could see something this time; on the horizon of the desert plain was a shimmering wall. _

_His mouth dry and his feet bare, Remus started off at a jog towards the wall. Every step burned his soles yet every centimetre closer filled him with a greatest sense of fear and euphoric joy. _

_As he drew closer he could see forms through the silver wall. Tall and wraithlike, these people drifted along the boundary, pale hands occasionally lifting up to touch it. _

_After over an hour of running Remus came to the wall. His lips were covered in white moisture, his hands were covered with small stones and his knees were bleeding. _

_For the first time he looked down and realised that he was wearing one of those awful muggle hospital gowns. It was a pale shade of green that reminded the werewolf of the kitchen in his little cottage and he had a sudden pang of homesickness. _

_He reached out his grazed hands and tried to touch the wall. His palms met what seemed almost like jelly in consistency, but it shimmered and glowed unlike the gelatinous dessert. _

_As he did so he gave out a soft gasp of pain. Again there was that burning sensation. He pulled his hands back to examine them and found that instead of being scorched or blackened, they looked younger. _

_Lupin leapt nearly a foot in the ear when he heard a dreamy sounding voice calling his name. "Moony…" _

_A palm rested against the other side of the wall, opposite where his had just been the other moment. Remus traced the hand up an arm and onto a torso where he met a set of smiling teeth. _

_"Merlin's Beard," he muttered as he stared into Sirius' youthful face. "You look well for a dead man." _

_"Us dead people are pretty vain, it seems," Sirius replied, his blue eyes twinkling now that he carried not the troubles of life. "We don't want to spend immortality looking like our corpse." _

_"Some are more vain than others, it seems," a slightly sardonic voice added. _

_Remus found himself crying as he met a pair of emerald eyes that were so recognisable. He had grown so used to see them on Harry's face that he forgot that they were even more stunning on his mother. _

_"Lily Evans," he said, not noticing what came out of his mouth and just staring at her. He wanted to rush through the wall and embrace her tightly. _

_"A close rival for the position as the world's vainest Gryffindor," another voice added. _

_He rested his face against the border between the realms, not noticing the burning sensation and just drinking in the handsome features of James Potter's face. Without realising it, he was listing the similarities and differences between the father and the son. _

_"But Prongs, that was always you," the lycanthrope said, glad to find a smile coming to his face. He had missed the banter between the four of them. "How many hours was it, Padfoot?" _

_Sirius threw back his head of glossy hair and laughed loudly, a sound that rudely interrupted the reverend silence of the Dead. "One hour and forty-five minutes of trying to get his hair straight. He used gel, water, numerous spells, even tying things to the end of his hair to weigh it down." _

_Lily grinned at her husband. Then the three Dead's faces sobered. "Why are you still here, Moony?" _

_"I miss you all so much. Sirius, why did you have to leave me?" _

_"You have Harry now, there was no point in me hanging around in the vain hope that you would ever love me as much as him," there was no bitterness in his voice, just sad disappointment. _

_"Of course I love you, Padfoot!" this time his hand went all the way through the wall and he felt a cold chill running up his arm. He could see his hand growing paler and paler. _

_Sirius quickly pushed him away. "No." He came free of the wall with a 'shtuck' sound. "I know you love me, but never as more than a friend." _

_"Remus Lupin, you insensitive bastard," James said, his voice playful, although there was deep seriousness in his hazel eyes. "Go back to my son, now, or I'll make sure that you wish you were truly dead." _

_Seeing his indecision Lily smiled brightly. "Harry hasn't been this happy for a long while- he deserves some comfort in his life, and if you're the one to bring it then so be it. Who are we to deny him this chance at love?" _

_Sirius nodded emphatically. "Besides, if you dare die now, we'll ignore you for eternity." _

_Remus nodded slowly, feeling his feet moving backwards without his thinking it. "You'll be here when I come back? Right here." He pointed to the ground quickly as his feet moved quicker. _

_They all nodded. "Have a safe journey back, Remus!" Lily shouted. _

_"Give our love to Harry!" James called. _

_"And don't you dare feel guilty, you silly bastard!" Sirius finished. _

_Remus felt as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and with a final wave towards them he turned and ran. He ran underneath the Full Moon, his feet swift as a deer. _

_On _this _horizon he could see a doorway. The door was shut, but through the gaps between the wood and the frame, he could see blinding light. _

_He grasped hold of the doorknob and turned it. The light blinded him as he stepped through the door. _

The light hurt his tired eyes and he instantly screwed them up again, trying to hide them from the intense scrutiny of the hospital lights.

With a muffled groan he buried his head in the pillow. Swallowing he forced moisture into his dry throat and managed a dry croak, "Turn the lights off."

He heard a familiar chuckle then he knew the lights were off. Turning over he stared up at the person that stood over him, their pale face illuminated by the neon lamps of the city that filtered through the window.

"Why the heck are you here?" Remus muttered to Snape.

"Dumbledore couldn't resist getting the Order to trot out for a final mission, pathetic as it is. I'll inform Potter that you're awake, you might want to muffle your hearing, no doubt he'll be loud."

With a swish of clothing Snape left the room.

Lupin rested his eyes, breathing deeply and reassuring himself that he _was _alive, with the touch of the bed linen against his skin.

Someone dashed into the room. "Harry?" he asked, finally opening his eyes to look upon the eighteen-year-old.

The young man looked world-weary, his face pale and his lips in a straight line. Harry frowned for a moment then a smile lit up his face. He dashed into Remus' open arms and they stayed there for some while, just content with the feel of the other's body against their own.

"Everything's okay now," Remus reassured him with a brief kiss. "Oh, and Sirius and your parents say hello."

Harry looked baffled for a moment but again he smiled. "I never will understand you, crazy werewolf."

"Would you like me to reveal all of my darkest secrets to you?" Remus' mind was flooded with images of a wet afternoon spent in quiet company.

"No. Just kiss me, you idiot."

He obliged.

_ Here the account ends _


End file.
